Whole Again
by cherri0196
Summary: This a continuation of "Beautifully Broken" If you haven't read that, I suggest you do before you read this. Rated M for later chapters, some cursing and strong sexual content. The story of Johanna Mason and how her life has become whole again.
1. Chapter 1

Whole Again 

Gale and I have been in our own place for almost 2 years now. It's not exactly right next door to Annie like we wanted but it's only a 5 minute walk, and we got a telephone specifically for her if she would ever need us for anything.

At first I was really uneasy about the whole thing, leaving Annie all alone. I visited nearly every day like some overbearing parent. It took a while but I finally started feeling more at ease leaving her alone with just Finney and herself. Well I don't feel the need to go "visit" her every day, anyway.

She redecorated my whole room practically the day after we moved out. Painted the whole thing green and with my help, we drew in and painted all sorts of Sea life on the walls so it looks like you're under water. I think Finney likes having his own room, he even sleeps in one of those short little, what are they called? Toddler beds? He's almost 3 now, and is more like his mother in demeanor every day. He may be the spitting image of his father, but he is all Annie personality wise, so sweet and caring. Posy is absolutely in love with him.

We all still have dinner at Hazelle's house every other Sunday, although, lately it has only been one Sunday a month. Everyone is just so busy, and the kids are all getting bigger and less interested in spending time with adults. Who can blame them though?

All in all we are slowly rebuilding our lives.

As Gale and I are not in Annie's "neighborhood", we don't have the luxury of having a beach in our back yard, but it's still a cozy little place. It's perfect for us, it's all wooden, like nearly all the house's are around here, but our bedroom is quite large, and there is a small second bedroom. Well I guess technically it's an office, since Gale uses it as one. He has maps plastered all over the walls, with all sorts of red and yellow and green lines all over them. He says it's for keeping track of specific fish migrating patterns but it just looks like a jumbled mess to me. He also has a small wooden desk and one filing cabinet in the room as well. As Districts 4's manager in imports and exports as well as being a part of a tactics team for fishing strategies and recording migrating patterns, he does need to be somewhat organized.

Our back yard has a small deck that transitions right into the sand. We have some wooden fencing on either side of the yard, but no fencing parallel with the house. You just walk back until you run into sand dunes and a very thick, dense, batch of beach plants, Sea oats and a few Seagrape trees. It's impossible to maneuver anything back there. Sometimes I miss having the beach out the kitchen window, or a few feet away, but for the most part I love our little place.

Within about a month of our move I got a part time job. Gale insisted it was unnecessary, and we may or may not have had a fight over it, but I wanted to contribute my share, and to be honest, I couldn't stand sitting at home all day with nothing to do. I had to get out, even if it was only for a half a day. So I just work at the local cannery in town. I get there around 8, which is about the same time the first shipment of fish comes in off the docks. I am mainly in charge of "record keeping" or "the books" as I call them. It's tedious work, keeping track of every fish that enters the building, but it's easy work. Sometimes I even have time to go down stairs and help clean and gut the fish. Since we don't exactly have a "quota" anymore, it's not an exact science or an exact number, but more of a rough estimate. It also helps Gale with his importing and exporting records, so once my book makes it to his desk (which is a few buildings down from the cannery), I know I have at least helped him in some way.

I usually leave the cannery around noon, or sometimes a little after. Occasionally I'll get to meet Hazelle for lunch, but today doesn't seem like it's going to be one of those days.

It's already nearly one in the afternoon when I leave the cannery for the day. I didn't have time for lunch and I'm trying to rush home so I can eat something. I also need to head into the market a little later to pick up a few things for dinner, and I wanted to drop in on Annie if time allows. It's not looking like it allows today. I guess I can always call her.

I bustle down the main part of town, passing a few little shops, adorned with little shell wind chimes hanging from their doors.

By the time I reach our dirt road in our neighborhood, I start feeling a little queasy, the heat is almost unbearable.

When I finally make it home, I kick my shoes off at the door and crank the air down to make it cooler. I quickly make myself a sandwich, and stuff it down my throat and follow it with a huge swig of water.

I sit on the couch and fan myself with my hand for a few minutes trying to mentally make a list of things we need from the market so I don't have to actually get up and see what we have.

Once I cool off I drudgingly pick myself up and pad over to the fridge to see what we have in the freezer.

_I think I'm going to make chicken tonight, and we need more of that milk that District 10 has been exporting here, from real cows, not stupid goat milk. _

I lace my shoes back up and head back out into the heat.

The trip to the market went faster than I thought it would. I still made it home at least an hour before Gale should be home.

I put everything away and start on dinner.

I cut all the fat off the chicken, rub it down with some herbs and a pinch of seasoning before I stick it in the oven to bake.

I make my way into the bathroom and then splash some cold water on my face. I can't believe how ridiculously hot is today.

I get another drink of water and start skinning potatoes.

Gale is usually home from work around 4:30 in the afternoon. He's on the 7am-4pm shift, with an hour break for lunch, which I know he never takes. Usually eats at his desk.

Now that it is after five, I'm wondering what in the world is holding him up today. His dinner went cold at least 30 minutes ago and I had to put it away.

I ate without him.

I pick up the phone in the kitchen and give Annie a call.

"Annie, hey it's Johanna, you haven't heard from Gale today have you?"

"No, sorry Johanna" Annie replies on the other end.

"Okay, have you and Finney eaten dinner yet? I was going to come down. I can bring you guys some dinner."

"Thanks Johanna, but we already ate. You're more than welcome to come down though."

"Alright, I'll be over in a few."

"Bye Johanna," Annie replies and I hang up the phone.

I go in Gale's office and scribble a note to him really quick.

Gale,

Went down to Annie's. Your dinner is in the fridge.

Be back soon.

Love,

J

I stick the note on our small kitchen table and head out the door yet again. Now that the sun has started going down the heat isn't overwhelming. I make it down our dirt road and to Annie's in no time at all.

"Knock knock," I say as I open the door without actually knocking.

"JoNana!" Finney screams and runs towards me.

I reach down and scoop him up as soon as he's close enough. "Hey Finney!"

"Aunt. Jo. Anna. Finn" Annie corrects him.

"Awwww….leave him alone Annie, he can call me JoNana. I call him Finney after all, it's only fair."

She only rolls her green eyes at me and I put Finney down and shut the door.

He wraps his little fist around my index finger and pulls me towards his room. "Auntie JoNana, My color a purty picture for you today."

"You did? I want to see it." I tell him as he lets go of my hand and stands on his tippy toes to try to turn his light switch on.

I help by flipping the switch on for him and I see there are toys and wax crayons everywhere and about 5 different "pictures" scattered across the floor.

He runs right into the chaos and digs around for the right picture. He picks one up and studies it for a minute and then throws it back on the floor. He picks up another one, studies it for a minute and then brings it over to me.

"Look. Sun." He say's pointing to a tiny yellow dot amongst the scribbles of colors.

"Wow, Finney. The Sun is yellow. You're right. Good job."

He flashes his million dollar smile at me and I hand the paper back to him.

"No, JoNana. You have."

"Thank you Finney. I love it. I will put it on my fridge when I get home."

He wraps his little arms around my legs and I run my fingers through his soft bronze curls. I love that this feature is solely his. Annie has no idea where he got his curls from, but I love them.

"Can you make me another picture Finney? I'm just gonna go talk to mama really quick, okay?"

"Otay, JoNana." He says as he lets go of my legs and starts searching the floor, seemingly, for the perfect color to start his new masterpiece.

"Got a souvenir" I hold up my picture for Annie to see.

"Why is it so hot in here?" I add.

"I didn't realize it was hot in here. I'm fine, but I'll turn the fan on for you." Annie tells me.

"Naaah, it's okay. I'm not staying long. I just wanted to check in on ya and see Finney. I haven't seen him in a few days. How has your week been so far?"

"Oh fine," Annie replies. "Just been keeping busy. Finnick, Jr. is just getting into everything lately. I can't keep up with his messes, so I just contained it to his room."

"Yeah, I noticed" I chuckle. "I'm getting a drink, it's way too stuffy in here."

She narrows her eyes at me briefly before I make my way into the kitchen and chug some more water.

"So what are your plans for Finney's birthday?" I ask her. "It's coming up soon, going to be the big 3 year old boy now."

"Oh gosh I know. I am most likely just going to bake him a cake and have you and Gale, and Hazelle and the kids over. Most likely Ellie too, or as you like to call her "the old lady two doors down".

"Same difference" I retort. "Well, just let me know a date, and I'll be there. I can come over early and help you make the cake if you want."

"Sure Johanna. That would be nice."

"Alright," I tell her as I flip my water glass upside down in the sink. "Guess I'll get going, maybe I can come down this weekend and we can take Finney swimming or something?"

"Sure Johanna, sounds good."

"Okay, I'm just going to say bye to Finney. See you this weekend." I wave to her before making my way down the hall, picture in hand.

"Finney, Auntie JoNana has to go bye bye now. I will see you in a few days."

He snaps his little head up from his art work and smiles at me again. "Bye bye, JoNana," He drops his crayon and waves to me.

"Bye Finney."

I walk back down the hall and to the front door before I tell Annie "see ya later" and head out into the twilight.

I get home just in time, night has officially arrived and I see lights on inside, which means Gale's home.

I walk up our front porch steps and open the door. The humidity of the house blows right in my face.

"Gale?" I shout as I head into the kitchen and use a magnet to stick Finney's picture on the fridge, as promised.

"In here" I hear his muffled response from his office.

I open the door and ask "Did you turn the air back up? It is hot as hell in here."

"Yeah, I did. It was like winter in District 12 in here when I got home. I was ready to pull out my snow jacket."

"Well, it's hot now."

"I think it feels fine."

"I don't, I'm going to go get a shower. Did you eat?"

"Yeah, thanks." He replies distractedly, and turns back to his paperwork and I shut the door.

_Well that was weird. He never just says "yeah thanks" when I cook. Never overlooks an opportunity to invite himself into the shower with me. Humm..oh well._

I make my way into our master bathroom, which is connected to our room and strip out of my clothes. I feel like I smell of fish and I'm a little sticky from the sweat, from the heat.

I turn the water on and blast it with mostly cold water, and add just a touch of hot to it.

My little water ritual has become more habit forming than anything. I'm not exactly afraid of the water anymore, it's just habit now. So I put the palm of my right hand into the stream, then my left palm. I hop in and stick my right foot in the stream of water, and then my left. I finally allow my whole body to enter and I am immediately relaxed as the cool jets of water stream off my shoulders and roll down my back.

I stand under the stream for a long time, not wanting to move. Eventually I wash my hair and body and shave my armpits, before I rinse, condition and rinse again enjoying the frigid water.

I sigh as I turn the water off and the heat envelops me again.

I dry my body and wrap the towel around my head as I make my way back into the room and put on a pair of blue underwear and a blue tank top.

I go back in the bathroom, run the towel through my hair, brush the knots out and brush my teeth. All that walking today has worn me out.

I make my way across the house and open Gale's office door. He jumps just the tiniest bit.

"I'm going to bed." I announce.

"Okay," He gets up and makes his way over to me. "Good night" He bends down and pecks me on the lips.

"Night" I tell him. "Don't stay up too late, huh? You work all day."

"I won't"

I shut the door behind me, grab one more glass of water and then lay in bed with the ceiling fan on full speed, not caring the tiniest bit that it is only 7:30.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Just FYI this chapter has one small referance to s-e-x, but no bad language.**

I wake to the alarm blaring. I groan and flip over and turn it off. I lay in bed for a bit and let my eyes adjust to the rays of sunlight streaming in from the window.

The picture I made for Gale sits in its frame on the wall opposite our bed, in our bedroom. I have the shell necklace he made for me nailed into the wall right next to it.

I love waking to the sight every morning.

I stretch my arms over my head and sit up, rolling my neck forward, rubbing the kinks out.

Gale's already gone when I get up, but that's not unusual. Sometimes I'll get up as he's on his way out the door, but most of the time he's already gone when I get up.

I use the bathroom and then make myself a small breakfast. I pop some bread in the toaster and pour some creamy District 10 milk in a glass while I wait.

I quickly munch on my toast and drink my milk before I get dressed for the day.

I'm out the door and back into the heat before it's even 7:30 in the morning.

I walk down our dirt road, into town and to the cannery in about twenty minutes, but I can feel the sweat start to bead up already.

Once inside I wipe a paper towel across my forehead and head up stairs to my office.

The day moves by slowly and by 10am I am demanding a desk fan be put into my office. I "can't work under these conditions" I say.

I win and one of the guys from down stairs brings me a small fan and I blast it.

I'm out the door before the clock strikes noon and get home in near record time. I jump right back into a cold shower to cool off and then make myself a quick lunch.

I sit on the couch for a minute and I must have fallen asleep because Gale is shaking me awake before I know what happened.

"What time is it?" I ask in a horse voice.

"It's a little after 4:30"

"How did that happen? I just sat on the couch, two minutes ago it seems like."

"Guess you fell asleep. Are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah I feel fine. Just tiered. It's all this heat I'm telling you."

"Okayyyy. Well do you want to go out for dinner? Or what do you want to do?"

"Doesn't matter to me."

"Okay. Then go get dressed, we'll go down to the intercoastal and have dinner."

He offers me his hand and he pulls me up off the couch.

He kisses my forehead and pulls me into a hug.

I smile up at him and head into the room and he follows.

We change out of work clothes and are out the door before five o'clock strikes.

We walk to the small restaurant hand in hand and Gale talks about his day, and asks about mine.

Once we get closer to the restaurant I try to trip him up and he chases me all the way to the door.

I try to restrain from giggling while Gale asks for a table for two.

We sit outside on the deck and banter back and forth a bit before our food comes.

I drink two huge glasses of ice water and tell Gale about last night's visit to Annie's.

"You seen the picture on the fridge, right?" I ask him.

"Yeap, I sure did."

"Isn't it the best picture you have ever seen? Finney even pointed out the yellow dot and said it was the sun. He is so adorable. His birthday is coming up. Annie said she was going to have cake. I think I'm going to go down there again this weekend. You can come too if you want."

"Woah, woah, woah. …can you stop talking so fast?"

"I'm not talking fast, you're listening slow." I flick my tongue out at him.

He just shakes his head at me and chuckles before sticking another shrimp in his mouth.

His eyes dart around a little bit and he keeps wiping the palms of his hands on his jeans.

_Must be pretty buttery shrimp. _I think.

I start feeling a little queasy again on the walk home. I ate wayyyy too much and my stomach is protesting.

Once we make it home I splash some cold water on my face and sit on the couch. Gale stretches across the whole thing and lays his head in my lap.

I run my fingers through his soft black hair and he closes his eyes at my touch. I slowly trace the bridge of his nose with my index finger. Then I run it down and trace his jaw bone, skim it across his temples, across his forehead, over his lips, down his neck and then trace his collar bone. I feel him shiver slightly at the caress and I move my index finger back up to his face.

I love watching him when he's relaxed. He looks even more like an angel when his features are soft.

Sometimes I don't know how I ended up with him. I mean…what happened? One minute I'm stuck in District 4 with Annie, next thing I know Gale barges into my life and we somehow fall madly in love with each other. I mean how does that just happen?

I'm thankful though. He's a hard worker if nothing else, and extremely dedicated. To everything. His job. His family. Me.

Plus the sex is explosive, so that is always a plus.

When I hear his breathing start to even out I stop my tracing of his features and gently shake him awake.

"Gale" I whisper. "You can't sleep out here. Come on, let's go to bed."

He blinks his gray eyes up to mine and a smile plasters across his face.

"Okay, okay." He sits up and stretches his arms over his head before pushing himself off the couch.

I get up after him and we make our way into our bedroom.

We change and brush our teeth and crawl into bed.

He pulls me into his arms, pressing his chest against my back and he quickly passes back out.

I have to scoot away from him as soon as I'm sure he's asleep. As nice as it is being in his arms, the heat radiating off his body is just too much.

I kick the sheet off of me and toss and turn a little trying to get comfortable.

Sleep evades me for a while but darkness eventually finds me.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: This is going to be the last non-M-rated chapter. I Bumped it up to a T for language but next chapter is beyond M rated. LOL! Thank you so much for reading and I alway look forward to reviews and constructive critisism. **

The next two weeks pass by without much difference. It's still sweltering hot out and I'm starting to think I'm coming down with a bug or something. I still get bouts of queasiness every once in a while, and I just can't get enough sleep. Gale still acts weird on occasion and on even rarer occasions, typically when I catch him off guard, he starts just the slightest bit.

One evening I tell Annie about my not feeling well lately she swoops in, trying to mother me.

"Johanna, I'm telling you, you need to go to a healer." She says.

"What? What for? A little bug, I'm fine. I'm not going to some stupid healer for a bug."

"Johanna. If you don't go to a healer on your own, I'll call Gale and he'll make you go."

"He can't make me go."

"Yeah. Johanna, whatever you say. I'm serious though. You need to go."

"I'm not going."

"Johanna."

"WHAT?" I shout at her.

She sighs and then speaks very slowly, as if she's talking to Finney. "Listen to me Johanna. I didn't want to be the one to have to tell you this, but if my suspicions are right. I think you might be…..pregnant."

"What? That's impossible. I'm telling you it's just a bug."

"It's not impossible Johanna. Are you or are you guys not having sex?"

"Yes, of course but…"

"..and have you guys been being careful?" She asks. "You know, taking the tonic, or at least been taking precautions?"

"I'm not on the tonic Annie, you know that. And yeah, I think we're being careful. So it's impossible."

I try talking her out of this crazy idea of hers but the mere prospect of the statement being true sends my heart pounding wildly in my chest.

_No._ I tell myself. _It's not true. There is no way. Gale knows I don't want kids. He does, but I don't. We came to an agreement. We've been careful. It can't be true._

She sighs exasperatedly at me and continues her argument. "It's not impossible Johanna. Please. Go see a healer. What harm will it cause? If I'm wrong, then you can still get treated for your bug, but if I'm right you can start on your vitamins right away."

"I'm not going Annie. There is no possible way I can be pregnant."

"Johanna Mason, I swear if you do not go to the healer within the week I will call Gale and tell him what I think. You don't want him hearing it from me do you? Because I'm pretty sure he will throw you over his shoulder and bring you to the healer himself if he hears it from me."

"Jeeze. Some friend you are. Fine, I'll go! Okay? If I don't feel better by the end of the week, I swear I'll go."

"You better" She points a finger at me.

I put my hands up in mock surrender. "Okay, okay."

The walk home from Annie's is very unpleasant. _Why would she say such a thing? Trying to make me panic or something?_

The uneasiness settles in my stomach and I start to feel queasy again, but now this is just my mind playing tricks on me.

When I get home I can't look Gale in the face. It's stupid and ridiculous, but I just can't do it.

"How was Annie?" He asks.

"She's good," I reply as I make a beeline for the kitchen and start rummaging in the fridge to avoid looking at him. "Nothing exciting happening. You know. Some ole Annie."

_Lies! Lies I am spilling out of my mouth. _

"Okay, well I'm going to get ready for bed, are you coming?"

"Yeah," I reply. "Be there in a few."

He disappears into the bedroom and I breathe a sigh of relief. I finally get a drink of water and close the fridge.

I drum my fingers on the counter and let my mind go racing along with my heart.

_It's just a bug._ I tell myself. _It's a bug, just a bug, just a bug._

I push the crazy thoughts out of my head about what Annie said and crawl into bed.

As the end of the week approaches, I actually throw up for the first time. There's no way to hide this from Annie. She has called every afternoon this week when I got home from work and I insisted I have been feeling better.

She called my bluff yesterday afternoon and started making threats of telling Gale again.

So Saturday morning I walk into town without telling Gale I even left, let alone where I was going.

I fill out a ton of useless paperwork and get blood drawn. Healer says it'll take a couple days, but he would call me on Tuesday with the results.

This is going to be the longest weekend ever.

I figured I'd walk the extra ten minutes to Hazelle's house since I was all the way in town anyway. Stop in and visit with her for a while. She'll confirm my whereabouts when I lie to Gale again about where I've been.

Posy is getting sooooo tall. She's already 8, and although she's still petite in body stature, she is ridiculously tall.

"Hey Johanna!" She calls as soon as I walk in the door.

"Hey Posy! I swear you are getting taller every time I see you."

"Just growing I guess" She shrugs.

"Where's your mom?"

"She's in the kitchen. Tomorrow is our dinner thing you guys like to do, isn't it?"

"Oh yeah, definitely." I scan the room.

When I see no one around I drop my voice and tell her "I forgot, but thanks for the reminder"

She giggles. "No Problem Johanna."

"And where are Rory and Vick?"

"Rory's "out" but I know he's sneaking off to see a girl in town. I think her name's Audrelle, or something like that. Vick is at his friend's house. I'm sure they're wrestling or doing some other stupid boy related stuff"

"I'm sure." I leave her and walk to the kitchen, but she follows on my heels.

"Hey Hazelle. Need any help?"

"Johanna! So nice to see you!" She exclaims. "I'd hug you but my hands are covered in flour."

I wave her off.

"What are we having for dinner tomorrow?" I ask; sneaking a wink at Posy.

She covers her mouth with her hands and retreats back into her room.

"Well, I'm test running some homemade bread today. If it turns out I'm going to make it tomorrow and put some butter and garlic on it. I thought it would go good with that noodle recipe Annie gave to me." She tells me.

"Sounds good to me."

"What are you doing in our neck of the woods?" She asks as she starts kneading the dough.

"Just wanted to come stop by and see you guys. It's been a couple of weeks, and I had to pick up…ummm… some milk at the market anyway. Figured I'd stop by."

_More lies! Nice Johanna._

"Ahh…too bad Gale couldn't come too, but we'll see you both tomorrow night."

"Yeah, and Annie and Finney too. Oh by the way Finney's third birthday is coming up next weekend. You and the kids are invited over for cake."

"Oh, that's lovely! Posy and I will be there for sure. I'll try to drag Rory and Vick but you know teenagers. Not likely they'll want to walk thirty minutes out of town for a 3 year olds birthday."

"Yeah. I hear you there. Okay, well I'm going to get out of here before the sun gets too unbearable. See you tomorrow night for dinner Hazelle."

"Bye Johanna! Thanks for stopping by."

"No problem" I give her a smile before I exit the kitchen and shout "BYE POSY!"

"BYE JOHANNA!" I hear her shout back and I walk out the door into the heat.

The rest of the weekend drags by. I try to hide my queasiness from Gale best I can. I manage not to spew again the whole weekend anyway.

Dinner at Hazelle's was delicious, but the walk to and from was warm and exhausting.

Sunday night when we got back home I took yet another cold shower and knocked off early.

Monday had to be the slowest day of my life, and that's saying something.

Work went by so slow I was about to yell at someone insisting my clock in my office was wrong, or dead. But It wasn't.

I made the huge mistake of skipping breakfast and once 11am hit I was on my knees in the bathroom dry heaving over the toilet.

_This is not a good sign._

As Tuesday ticks nearer I get more and more panicked. Monday night I barely eat any dinner, I'm uber distracted and don't speak to Gale nearly at all.

I have a restless night's sleep and Tuesday morning rolls around to me looking and feeling like crap.

I admit it. I feel like crap. Like I could keel over or blow chunks any second. Not to mention the heat.

I drag myself into work late, and the clock yet again moves at a snail's pace.

I manage to hold down my breakfast all day and even make it home without collapsing.

_Today's the day. Today's the day I find out if my life is ruined forever._

I sit in complete silence, listening to the thud of my heartbeat in my ears and drum the fingers of my right hand on the arm of the couch while I chew every nail on my left hand down to the quick.

I have no appetite and I'm fighting the nausea, but I don't care.

When the phone finally rings, I actually gasp aloud and break out into a cold sweat.

I slowly walk slowly over to the phone, dreading picking it up.

"Hel…hello" I mutter

"May I please speak with Miss Johanna Mason, please?"

"This is her."

"Hi Miss Mason, my name is Delya from Healer Donahugh's office calling with your blood results. Are you able to speak now?"

"Ye…yes." I swallow hard.

"Well Miss Mason, I am pleased to inform you that all your blood work came back normal and you are well along in a perfectly healthy pregnancy."

I feel all the blood drain from my face.

_Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. No, this isn't happening. No. no. no. no._

"Ummm…miss Mason?"

I swallow again "I'm here"

"Well healer Donahugh would like to have you pick up your vitamins in his office as soon as you can and he would like to see you again next month. Can I set up an appointment with you now? Or would you prefer to call back?"

"I don't know"

"Okay, well how about I just set you up for Thursday the 23rd of next month and if that doesn't work for you, we can reschedule?"

"Oh…okay" I mutter not taking in a word she is saying. My heart is thudding louder in my ears.

"Well…congratulations Miss Mason. We'll see you next month." And it's over. She hangs up and I'm left to swallow my panic alone.

Once I hang the phone up I make a mad dash for the bathroom and finally allow the nausea to take me.

I vomit and dry heave until I have nothing left in me but bile.

I lay curled up on the bathroom floor for a long time.

I finally pull myself together enough to brush my teeth, which only makes me gag, and then I drink water.

I don't know what to do so I call Annie.

"Annie!" I shout.

"Johanna? What's wrong?" She answers the worry evident in her voice.

"The healer called today. You were right! I'm fricken pregnant Annie! What do I do?"

"Calm down Johanna"

"I won't calm down! I have to do something! What can I do Annie? Tell me! Please?" I don't care how desperate and pathetic I sound right now. I have to get this thing out of me.

"Johanna. Take a deep breath and listen to me."

I try to breathe, but my lungs aren't cooperating. I'm trying desperately not to start hyperventilating or start vomiting again.

"There is nothing you can do," she continues. "Tell Gale. Work through it with him. You guys will work it out."

"I don't want to tell him Annie. I just want it to go away."

"Well, it's not going to just go away Johanna. Tell Gale. I promise he'll be ecstatic. He's always wanted kids. This is a gift he wants only from you. You can give him the gift of life Johanna. Just calm down and talk to him. Okay?"

I suck in a deep breath and nod my head over the phone, but then I realize she can't see me and just mutter an "okay"

"It will be fine Johanna, okay? I promise. You have me and Gale's mom to help you. We'll all work it out. Okay?"

"Okay Annie. Thanks….I…I gotta go."

"Okay Johanna. Congratulations anyway, see you this weekend, okay?"

"Okay" I hung the phone back up.

I still feel in shock so I curl up on the couch and stare blankly into space, voiding my mind of anything.

Once 4 o'clock hits I start panicking again. I haven't even started dinner yet, and Gale will be home soon and he'll be in for quite a shock when he gets here.

But hopefully Annie's right. Hopefully he is going to be ecstatic enough for both of us.

I make myself busy in the kitchen, but I'm definitely not hungry for anything, so Gale's just going to have to deal with buttered noodles and a few chucks of beef.

I'm nearly done with dinner when Gale make's it home.

"Hey Jo" He says as he closes the front door and kicks his shoes off.

I smile best I can and say "Hey, how was your day?"

"Good. You know same old stuff. District 11 wants to start importing and exporting with us soon, so we'll have more crop type food here in 4 soon. I'm reviewing their application now, but really….there's not much to approve. Just procedure, you know."

"That's great" I reply barely listening.

I set the bowls of food down at the table and he inhales his while I pick off a few of the noodles but no meat.

After dinner he does the dishes and disappears into his office.

My heart beats wildly in my rib cage and I know I have to tell him. Tonight. Annie will spill the beans if I don't tell him.

I take a deep breath and go splash some water on my face. I dry it off and get a glass of water.

It's the first time I notice my hand is trembling.

I take a deep breath and try to steady myself.

I brave down the short hall way and knock on the office door for some stupid reason.

"It's open" I hear him say on the other side.

_Shit. Shit. Shit. Okay Johanna. Let's just get this over with._

I open the door and lean against the door frame, glass in hand and take another deep breath.

"What is it?" He asks.

"I needed to talk to you."

"Okay, so talk."

I pause. Cursing myself for not spending my time coming up with some kind of speech or a way to tell him properly. I swear I'll never learn.

"Jo?" He asks arching an eye brow at me.

"I just thought you should know… that I'm knocked up."

There is a short pause, an intake of breath and then a "fuck" muttered.

"My sentiments exactly" I tell him lifting my glass of water like some kind of toast.

_So much for being ecstatic,_ I think to myself and take a swig of water to try to choke down the lump forming in my throat.

He stands from behind his desk and comes over to me. "Shit. I'm sorry Johanna. I….that was a bad reaction."

"Nothing compared to mine."

I can see for the first time the flare of panic rise in his eyes.

"It's just that…shit."

"Yup" I reply.

He lets a small sigh escape him. "This isn't the circumstances I wanted to do this under, but," He takes another deep breath and digs in his pocket for a second before kneeling on one knee in front of me "Johanna Mason….will you marry me?" He asks presenting me with a plain band of worn gold.

My heart finds its way to my throat and I have to swallow hard again.

I see the panic flare up in his eyes again and I almost forget he's waiting for me to answer him.

I lock my jaw and nod my head once.

He smiles that smirk of his, slips the ring on my finger, gets off his knee and quickly wraps me in a hug.

"I'm so sorry Johanna. I didn't want to do it like this. I….I just could never find the right time. I was going to do it at the restaurant when we went out but I…I lost my nerve, and now….we're…we're going to have a baby, and I didn't want you to think I wanted to do it solely for that reason." He mutters all this into my hair.

Then the kissing starts.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Was going to wait a couple days to post this, but...**

**WARNING: THIS CHAPTER IS SMUT! **

He kisses the crown of my head, down my forehead, peppers them all over my nose and cheeks, before finding my lips.

He cups each of his hands on either side of my face and pulls my lips to his and then pulls back muttering things like "I'm sorry" "I love you" "I didn't mean to" "Baby" each time he breaks the contact.

I drop the glass of water and let it shatter at my feet as I wrap my arms around his neck and tell him "Shut up, Gale" and press my tongue into his mouth.

This is the first time in weeks the nausea has been overrun by the fire in my belly.

Gale lifts me up and I wrap my legs around his hips and kiss him deeper as he starts bringing us down the hall, carefully avoiding the shattered glass, towards the bedroom. The friction feels unbelievable and a wrap my fist in his hair.

He kicks the door open and deposits me onto the bed, hovering over me, kissing all down my neck and collar bone.

He pulls my shirt up and starts planting kisses across my flat belly and then sits me up, pulling my shirt off over my head and unclasping my bra.

He lays me back down and suckles gently at my breasts, before planting more kisses across my chest, back up to my collar bone, down my shoulder, back down to my stomach, back up reclaiming my lips with his. He is just all over the place, devouring every inch of skin he can get his lips on.

He pauses for a moment to pull his shirt off over his head and my palms find his chest. I can feel his heart beating wildly beneath the surface.

He starts his descend again, kissing my forehead, nose, cheeks, lips, neck, breasts, stomach, lower and lower he goes until his lips meet my shorts.

He quickly starts to unbutton them and pulls them off of me, taking my underwear with them.

He plants kisses all over my legs, thighs, tops of my feet, all the way to the tips of my toes, and then back up again.

He parts my legs ever so gently and runs his tongue along my inner thigh; teasing me with every inch as he gets closer to my core.

He skips the fun part and starts skimming my other thigh with his tongue until he has me begging.

He smirks up at me and then clamps his mouth over my center and sucks my clit into his mouth. He flicks it quickly with his tongue and then licks up and down as I start to pulsate under his touch.

I wrap one fist into his hair, between my legs and the other in the sheets as I start panting for breath and moaning his name.

I can do nothing but go along for the ride, my body feels almost paralyzed as the flood of pleasure courses through my body.

All too soon he stops his assault on my flesh and starts kissing his way back up to me. Up my stomach, over my breasts, to my neck and finally back to my lips.

"Pants." I pant. "They gotta go"

I go to flip us over so I'm on top but he stops me.

He places his large palm to my chest and leans me back against the mattress.

He plants another kiss to my lips and flops over to his back, working on his belt and finally shedding his jeans and undershorts.

He rolls back on top of me, without putting one pound of pressure on me.

He holds his body weight up on his arms and starts kissing down to my collar bone again on bent elbows, assaulting my neck with licks, and sucks, and feather light kisses that send shivers down my spine.

We both moan aloud when he slowly enters me.

"Are you okay?" He asks, stilling himself in me.

"Oh god, yes"

With that he slowly starts to rock his hips back and forth, slowly thrusting himself into me.

He's being unnaturally gentle with me, not that his tenderness hasn't been known to shine through before, but tonight every touch is so soft and beautiful, I feel as if he's trying not to crack fine china.

I curl my legs around his hips, urging him further in me as the familiar sensations start to dance just under the surface; the tingling, the rapid warmth of the wildfire, the contracting of my abdomen, the gooseflesh, the shortness of breath in my lungs.

I rock my hips up to meet each of his thrusts, our body's dancing and melting together in an all too familiar way; working in sync with each other.

I feel him shift, bending his knees and rolling the majority of his weight over to his left side, freeing his right hand.

He slowly runs his hand up my outer left thigh, and then skims just his finger tips back down. He runs the tips of his fingers all the way down to my calf before slowly bringing my left ankle up to rest over his right shoulder.

I feel him enter even further into my depths and I scream aloud with each thrust.

"This feel okay?"

"Please stop talking" I pant to him.

I love he's trying to be sweet and tender, but he's really ruining the mood with his "are you okay?" every time he shifts positions. Figure my screams of pleasure would tip him off.

He slows his pace even more, allowing each thrust to create friction that rides waves through me and I wrap my fists in his hair before he starts to speed up a bit again.

Many changed positions, and "are you okay's" are muttered before he finally brings his thumb down to my clit and expertly throws me right over the edge as my orgasm comes out in a scream of his name and a rush of fluids leaving my body.

He groans as my folds contract around him and within a few thrusts he leaps over the edge with me and his climax wracks through his body.

We lay tangled in the sheets, panting for breath.

Once he has his breath back to an even rhythm he rolls onto his side, supporting his head in his left hand, and starts skimming the edge of my ribs with the fingertips of his right hand. Then slowly starts using his middle finger and index finger as legs and "walks" them down my torso, bringing it to rest on my lower abdomen, just below my belly button and lays his palm flat against my stomach, spreading his fingers out.

The moment would be really sweet if my body didn't choose that time to be overcome by nausea again.

I shoot out of bed, slam the bathroom door and hunker down in my new favorite position; hugging the toilet as my pathetic excuse for dinner makes a re-appearance.

I hear Gale knocking on the bathroom door.

I spit and holler "Go away Gale".

I lean my head against my arms and try to breathe and will the nausea to pass.

Slowly I get my stomach under control, spit the rest of the bile out of my mouth, flush the toilet and stand on shaky legs.

I lean over the sink and scoop handfuls of cold water into my mouth, swish it around and spit it back in the sink.

When I swing the door open Gale's standing directly in the door frame with a concerned look on his face and a glass of water in hand.

"It's fine" I wave him off.

He hands me the water and I chug it down in less than three gulps. "Thanks"

He smiles at me "You're welcome. Now shall we get a shower?"

Once we are clean, dressed and in bed I feel much better.

Gale pulls me into his arms, laying my head to his chest, while he runs his fingers through my hair.

The steady pounding of his heart beats its sweet rhythm in my ear and pulls me into sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: This is a more mellow chapter, minimal bad language and no sexual content.  
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The rest of the week continues much like Monday and Tuesday did. Wake up, eat, go to work, attempt to keep down breakfast all day, fail around 11am like clockwork, leave work, go home, try to eat a small something for lunch, curl up on the couch and battle nausea while trying to nap on and off, until around 4, make some kind of dinner for Gale, eat dinner, hold it down for a few hours, and then spew that too.

By the time Friday night rolls around I am wiped out. Sick of being sick. Beyond tiered, and want nothing more than to not get out of bed all weekend.

Unfortunately I have to suck it up for Finney's birthday party tomorrow, but for now I'm stretched out on the couch next to Gale, feet in his lap, while I rest my eyes.

He rubs the top of my feet and up and down my calves and shins.

"Johanna?"

"Huummm?" I respond with my eyes still closed.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like crap"

"Why don't you go to bed?" He offers.

It doesn't sound like a bad idea either.

"I like it here" I mumble.

"Come on," He removes my feet from his lap and gets off the couch. "Bed time"

"Nooooooo" but the thickness in my voice is not too convincing.

I feel him tuck his arms under me and lift me off the couch; I rest my head against his chest. He lay's me in bed still in my work clothes, removes my pants and pulls the sheet up to my stomach before kissing me on the forehead.

Last thing I remember is hearing the door hinges squeak as the door closes and darkness claims me.

Saturday morning, or shall I say afternoon, shines its bright rays through the bedroom window. I blink my eyes open and groan. I feel like I can still sleep another 18 hours. I pull myself out of bed and change out of my work shirt from yesterday and exchange it for one of Gale's shirts before I make my way out into the living room.

He's not there, so I go to the fridge, smile at Finney's art work, and pull the door open. I pour a glass of orange juice and make my way down the hall to the office.

The doors wide open and I see him bent over his desk, disheveled hair, scribbling down some kind of list.

"Morning" I say.

I startle him but he looks up and smiles "Afternoon"

"Same difference. Did you sleep at all last night? You look like hell"

"Yeah, I got a couple hours in on the couch. I just have so much to do."

"You should go sleep for a few hours, we have to go to Finney's birthday later this afternoon."

"Nah, I'm good. How are you feeling?"

"Tiered, but fine."

"Good. I'm glad."

I move from the door frame and sit on the edge of his desk. "Anything I can help with?"

"Unfortunately, no"

"Alright, well I have to go into town and pick up my vitamins from the healers office. So I'll be back in an hour or so."

"No. I'll go, or I'll go with you."

"Gale, I'm perfectly capable of walking to the healer's office."

"I know that. I…I want to go."

"Your call," I shrug and get off his desk. "I'm going to get dressed."

"You should eat something" He calls after me.

I ignore him and go get dressed. I change into soft white cotton shorts and a red t-shirt before I head to the bathroom and brush my hair and teeth, which again makes me gag.

When I go back out into the living room Gale has a bunch of stuff for sandwiches pulled out. A bunch of different types of sliced meat, cheeses, lettuce, olives, salt, and some other stuff I haven't ever seen before.

"I'm not hungry" I tell him

"You still need to eat something."

"Eating makes me puke. I don't want it."

"Johanna, you have to eat."

I sigh. "Fine, but when I puke in the middle of the road it's your fault."

"Fine. Now what do you want?"

"I can make my own sandwich, Gale."

"Will you stop doing that? I'm trying to help."

"Well, stop it. I'm perfectly capable….."

"No one said you're not perfectly capable."

I sigh again. "Fine, I don't care, whatever you're making for yourself, I'll have some of that."

"Okay"

"Okay" I echo.

We eat our sandwiches, and to my surprise, I finish all of mine and then take Gale's and eat his too.

The walk into town is hot and uncomfortable, but Gale has his hand threaded in mine and he's trying to keep me distracted from the heat.

We make it to Healer Donahugh's office, pick up my vitamins, and stop at a little ice cream shop in town to escape the heat.

I sip on a Vanilla milkshake, taking very small sips, and Gale has a massive three scoop banana split. I steal his cherry from the top.

By the time we make it home it's already nearly three in the afternoon and I'm going to have to go down and help Annie soon.

I manage to hold down my lunch and my milkshake, but I feel my stomach protesting and the nausea battle begins.

I lay on the couch for a little while and Gale disappears into his office again.

Once the clock starts getting closer to four I know I have to get up.

I head to the office and peek my head in. "I'm going to head down to Annie's now. I'll eat dinner over there and I'll see you around six for Finney's birthday. Okay?"

"Huh? Yeah. Okay. I'll see you in a couple of hours."

I click the door shut behind me and trek my way to Annie's house.

Soon as I walk in the door Annie swoops down on me, engulfing me in a hug, asking me how I'm feeling, offering me a drink every 5 minutes. This is really going to have to stop. I can take care of myself.

After she's done smothering me I go down to Finney's room and tickle him before wishing him a Happy Birthday.

Annie and I start on the cake and I make the mistake of showing her my ring and she asks for every single detail of Gale's proposal. The time moves quickly, and my nausea subsides. We eat dinner, but I barely touch mine, I ask where her neighbor is and she say's "Ellie" couldn't come because her Alzheimer's is getting worse and she barely even knows who Annie is anymore. We hang up a few decorations. Annie frosts the cake best she can in thick green frosting and I find 3 small wax candles to stick into it.

It's not even six when Gale walks in with a bright red tricycle, which I have no clue where or when he got.

Finney flips his lid. He jumps up and down and claps his hands and keeps yelling "mama! Mama, look! Unckie Gayle!"

"I see baby, that was very nice. Can you say thank you?" She responds.

"Hank you! Unkie Gayle!"

"and Auntie JoNana" Gale says as he puts the bike on the floor and Finney hops right on.

"Hank you, Auntie JoNana" He smirks up at me.

"You're welcome Finney" I say, even though I didn't have anything to do with it.

Gale comes over and pecks me on the lips before Annie swoops down on him too; crunches him in a hug and offers her congratulations.

He can't keep the smirk off his face, like this is the proudest moment of his life or something. So pathetic.

"My mother knows nothing yet," He tells Annie. "So let's wait until after cake before I tell her."

"Or we can just not tell her. That would work too." I try.

"We have to tell her Johanna. She'll be heartbroken if everyone knows but her."

"Fine"

Hazelle and Posy show up and let Finney unwrap their gift. It's a wooden block with holes drilled into the wood, but the holes all have a shape to them; a triangle, an oval, a square. Each shape has a wooden peg to correspond with each shape of the hole in the wood.

We watch Posy teach Finney how to use it for a while before Annie brings out the cake and we all sing "Happy Birthday" to Finney. He claps along with us before Annie helps him blow out his candles.

She cuts the cake and everyone has a slice but me.

Just the smell of the frosting was enough for my nausea to resurface.

I just lean my head back against the couch and close my eyes.

"Johanna? Are you okay?" I hear Hazelle ask. "You don't look well."

"I'm not."

"You're not what?"

I open my eyes and look to Gale for help.

"I'm not well." I tell her.

"Well is there anything I can get you?" She asks.

"No," I respond. "Nothing you can do unfortunately."

She looks at me for a second before I hear Gale clear his throat and my heart starts pounding.

"Actually mom, there was something I wanted to tell you." He starts. "Well two things actually."

"Okay, what is it?"

"Johanna" He says, putting his cake plate down and moves to sit next to me on the couch. "Can I see your hand?"

I don't have to be told which hand so I lift my left hand into his right and he shows his mother the ring.

"Oh my god!" She squeals. "How could I have not noticed this all night?" She jumps up spilling her cake all over the floor and launches herself into Gale's arms. He's squished into the couch and the whole thing is so awkward. Then she wraps her arms around me, squishing me into the couch and Gale has to pull her off of me.

"Mom," He puts his hands on her shoulders trying to steady her. "There's more."

"More what?"

"Johanna's pregnant. You're going to be a grandmother." He tells her.

At this she completely dissolves into tears and hysterics.

She clasps her hand over her mouth and tries to control herself as the tears flow freely down her cheeks.

"Are you okay?" Gale asks her.

She just nods her head before choking out "I'm" "Just" So" "Happy".

Once he gets his mother calmed down we get to have a little bit of tea while Posy and Finney play in his room.

The warmth settles my stomach a bit and I start to feel exhausted again. I don't know how I'm going to make it home on my own two feet.

Shortly after tea Hazelle regretfully announces she and Posy have to leave and wraps me in a hug again before hugging Annie and Finney and finally Gale.

I help Annie with the dishes while Gale play's with Finney for a bit and then we're off into the night as well.

He laces his fingers into mine and say's "Well Finney's birthdays are always memorable. I'll say that."

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"Well 2 years ago, on his first birthday, you told me that you loved me for the first time." He smirks that smile of his at me.

"And last year," He continues. "Remember you and Annie set that small fire in the kitchen?" He chuckles. "And this year, we got to announce that we're engaged and pregnant."

"I see your point." I chuckle too.

He removes his hand from mine and rests his arm across my shoulders, pulling me closer to his body and plants a kiss to my temple.

I don't know how I make it home still standing but I do. I consider showering, but veto the idea almost as soon as I see the bed.

I kick my shoes off and collapse on top of the sheets.

Gale pulls my socks and shorts off before pulling his own clothes off, say for his undershorts, and crawls into bed next to me.

I think he actually beats me to sleep for once because the slow even breathing coming from his side of the bed is the last thing I hear.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Just a warning there is some cursing, some sexual content and a detailed birth scene in this chapter. **

The next couple of months are the most miserable in my life. And that is saying a LOT! The constant nausea, fatigue, exhaustion. I don't know what on earth motivates people to do this more than once, or on purpose! I puke nearly every day, if not twice a day. Work moves by slowly and my appointment with the healer comes and goes.

Gale tries his best to help but it just annoys me. I think he feels guilty for doing this to me. As he damn well should. I'm doing all this for him.

Nothing helps and I suffer in silence as best I can.

My healer calls this "the first trimester". He says it's perfectly normal to feel sick and tiered all the time.

Pfftt…. Normal. I swear this is never happening again. I will castrate Gale if I have to, or rip my uterus out myself.

I don't remember Annie being this sick with Finney. It's so not fair. Atonement for my sins, I guess. I feel like this is Panem's way of telling me this should not be happening. I shouldn't be a mother. I shouldn't be anything.

I barely let Gale touch me, and I feel a little guilty about that, but I'd rather not puke on him. And at this point I'd much rather sleep than have sex.

Within about 3 weeks into my "second trimester" this completely changes. The complete opposite effect happens. I'm always full of energy and bouncing off the wall. I feel great, like I could take off and run 10 miles. And the hormones….oh my god the hormones. I can't get enough of Gale.

I'm "in the mood" all the time. We do it everywhere, on his desk, in the shower, right on the floor of the kitchen, everything else lay forgotten. It's amazingggggg. I can't even begin to describe the enhanced pleasure from the extra hormones flooding through my body.

My belly's finally starting to bulge a little bit. I think Annie was rounder than me at this stage, but my little baby bump is coming along. I'm almost 26 weeks along and just recently I started feeling the little worm wiggling around in there. It mostly just feels like flutters of a butterfly's wing.

He or she won't kick for Gale though. I think it disappoints him, even though he won't show it or admit it.

Usually after dinner he'll sit with me on the couch with his palm laid gently across my swollen belly and wait and wait and wait.

Sometimes he'll lift my shirt up and trace little patterns on my stomach; swirls, and triangles, and circles, and lines all over the place.

Nothing works for him unfortunately.

It wasn't until he took me by surprise that he we both felt the baby give a real kick for the first time.

I was at the sink doing dishes, and him and his hunter's feet, snuck up behind me, wrapped his arms around me from behind, placing both his palms to my stomach, and kissed the back of my neck.

I jumped at the contact and the baby gave me a kick, and Gale got to feel it.

His smile was so big it looked like it made his cheeks hurt.

As my "third trimester" arrives, Gale slowly starts taking apart his office.

I told him it was not necessary to do that, but he insisted.

He took down all his maps and plastered them in the living room instead. He moved his filing cabinet and desk to a corner in the living room and went over to Annie's to retrieve Finney's old crib.

He put the whole thing together by himself and we both painted the room yellow.

I have no clue what the gender is, Annie was so sure she was having a boy she painted half her room blue before he was even born. I don't have that intuition I guess.

Once I hit the 36 week mark Annie throws me something called a "baby shower" but it was mostly just Annie bringing over Finney's old clothes, and Hazelle giving me a ton of advice and a few baby items.

I start wearing down again as the weeks drag on, my huge belly won't allow for any comfortable position so I barely sleep at night. My bladder insists on producing more urine than necessary and I have to pee every hour. I always feel short of breath, like my lungs are bunched up in my chest, like an accordion. So I barely rest, but of course if I ever do get the opportunity to rest, this impossible child won't quit beating me from the inside out. Soon as I close my eyes, he or she starts the gymnastics routine.

Gale made me quit going to work once I got closer to the 38 week mark. Don't blame him, I was irritable, and unruly, and my co-workers were dealing with my bad attitude. Luckily for Gale he's away most of the day and I can attempt, but fail miserably, to rest during the day. I try not to be overly bitchy when he gets home.

It's hard though, I am just so ready for this whole thing to be over. I'm ready to get this kid out of me once and for all.

_Couple more weeks, Johanna._ I tell myself. _Just a couple more weeks. _

Unfortunately for me, I'm carrying the most stubborn baby on this planet and two weeks turn into three.

And three nearly turns into four.

I went to bed that night physically and emotionally drained. Gale and I had our first fight in months and I was crying, which is something that rarely happens.

I snapped at him that this was all his fault, that I wanted this 'thing' out of me. You know, stupid crazy things hormonal pregnant people say. I was just stretched so thin, I was beyond my breaking point. I was supposed to have this baby over a week ago. I was just done.

I actually got a good two full hours of sleep before I feel the fluid seep out between my legs and my eyes pop open.

I roll to my side and shake Gale.

"Gale! Gale! Get up!"

He groans "What?"

"I think my water just broke."

He pops right up and springs into action.

He runs out of the bedroom and I could hear him yelling into the phone.

I had no clue what he was doing so I hoist myself out of bed and change out of my wet clothes into just an overly large shirt.

That's when the first contraction went coursing through my body. It wasn't so bad. I could feel my stomach contract, almost like a cramp, and then ease up.

This is going to be a piece of cake.

I'm Johanna Mason; winner of two hunger games, and prisoner of war survivor.

Gale finds me in the bathroom and tells me healer Donahugh will be over as soon as he can.

I tell him he better not say one thing about breathing exercises.

He puts on clothes and we walk circles around the house as the hours tick past.

Midnight quickly turns into two a.m.

My contractions are getting worse and by the time three a.m. rolls around I am cursing at Gale again. Telling him how much I hate him for doing this to me.

Each contraction is just worse and worse. It's like a life stopping pain. As each contraction courses through my body, I stop breathing and ball my fists up before I start my cursing again.

The healer finally, FINALLY gets there before four a.m. hits.

He lays a large absorbent sheet down on the bed and orders me to lie down so he can check my progress.

He tells me I'm 9 centimeters dilated, whatever that means.

Gale is just pacing back and forth in the room with his hands behind his back, eyes darting around and his face actually looks a little flushed.

Another contraction courses through me and I ball the sheets up in my fists and cease breathing as my body takes me to a whole new level of pain.

"You have to breathe through them Miss Mason" The Healer says and it takes everything in me not to kick him in the face.

I feel him check me again before telling me it's going to be time to start pushing soon.

Gale stops his pacing and sits at the head of the bed next to me and take's my right hand in his left.

"Don't worry, you can do this." He tells me before brushing a damp lock of hair behind me ear.

I'm so exhausted I don't know how I can do this.

The healer rubs me down there with some kind of fluid that is really cold, and I remember Annie's healer doing this to her when she had Finney.

Healer Donahugh pulls out his bag full of tools and snaps on a pair of plain white latex gloves.

He bends my knees and tells me to curl into my body with each push.

While he counts I start my pushing. If I thought I knew pain before, I was sadly mistaken.

I bite my lower lip to keep from crying out as I feel an intense burning sensation in my nether regions. It burns so bad and another contraction squeezes my stomach and I can't breathe.

I'm sweating like crazy and panting and in pain and pushing with all my might and squeezing Gale's hand and I hope it hurts him too. Because it hurts and it hurts and I hate Gale, and it hurts and it hurts.

Finally I take a huge gasp of air and push with everything I've got.

"Woah, woah…okay quit pushing Johanna," The healer says. "The head's out"

I squeeze the hell out of Gale's hand while I feel the healer put pressure on me and then tells me "Okay, one more big push."

I suck in breath and push until I can't push anymore as the pressure gets so intense it's beyond unbearable. Then, like magic, it stops and I hear a great big wail before a bundle of warm pressure is placed on my chest.

I lift my head to see my baby for the first time and immediately fall in love. So this is why people willing go through all this? The end result is worth everything and more.

I lay my head back down and look up to Gale. He has two single tears rolling down his cheeks, chin quivering, trying desperately to hold it together.

"It's a boy" The healer announces as he clamps and snips his umbilical cord, before he starts rubbing him down with blankets and the poor little thing wails even louder. He balls his fists up and lets the world know he is not pleased.

Figures any baby of mine and Gale's would be so stubborn as to be born almost two weeks late and then decide to make his appearance in the dead of night.

The healer removes him from my chest and wraps him up. Gale kisses me on my damp forehead and whispers "I love you" before dragging the back of his hand across his cheeks, wiping the tear tracks away. He stands up and the healer hands him our son for the first time.

I only smile over at them while the healer goes back to work on me. I feel a little more pressure and the healer massages my stomach until something else comes out and then more cold fluid and wiping and I don't know what else because I don't care about anything else in this world right now except my two boys.

Once everything's done and cleaned up the healer pats Gale on the back and gives me a smile before disappearing into the night.

I am overcome by exhaustion and my body feels like it has just been running a marathon, but my mind is going a million miles an hour. I feel weak, but….happy. Overwhelmingly happy. Almost, light as air. Like my heart is full to the bursting point; I'm expecting it to burst out of my chest any minute. It's a weird feeling.

Gale smiles down at me as he gently rocks the sleepy baby in his arms.

"Want to hold him?"

I sit up further on my pillows and stretch my arms for him.

Gale takes extra care cradling the baby's head in his hand as he places the warm weight into my arms.

Our little bundle looks even more like an angel when he's sleeping; just like his father. He has soft features, and jet black hair. His cheeks are tinged pink and he still has his fists balled up.

I have no idea what color his eyes are yet, but I'm guessing gray since he seems to have inherited every other feature from his father.

Gale sits down on the bed next to us and says "You know, we still gotta name him." as he brushes a strand of hair off my forehead.

"Can we name him tomorrow? I can't think right now. Unless you have something right off the top of your head?"

"I've been thinking of a few names, but let's sleep; we can figure it out in the morning, which will be here soon enough."

He picks the baby back up and leaves the room with him.

I fall asleep before my head hits the pillow.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: This is another pretty mellow chapter. Minimal/no cursing, no sexual content.  
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I feel like its days later when I wake up. I feel a little disoriented and slightly confused. It's eerily quiet and I have to get my bearings before I roll out of bed.

I just have to get a shower before I do one thing. I feel sweaty and gross.

My back hunches over a bit by the absence of my bulge. I actually take a warm shower this time and it feels like heaven.

When I get out, I gently pat myself dry, brush my hair and teeth and then get dressed in really loose fitting clothes.

I silently pad my way through the house on bare feet. No sign of life through the living room or kitchen so I make my way down the hall.

I squeak the office door, errr… baby's nursery door, open and peek my head in.

Gale is slumped down in a chair with a teddy bear hanging upside-down from its foot in his hand and I can see the little blue bundle curled in the crib.

I can't help but smile.

I tip toe in and kiss Gale on the cheek, then the tip of his nose, and then his forehead before he finally flutters his eyes open.

I can see the dark stubble starting to grow on his chin and jaw line and his hair is a wreck, but I'm not sure I have seen him look more handsome.

I place my palm to his cheek and tell him to go to bed.

He gets up, cracks his back, kisses me on the cheek, and drags his feet out of the room.

I figure it has to be around noon and I am starving.

I make a huge sandwich, manage to stuff the whole thing down my throat and chug two glasses of water when I hear the baby start screaming.

I enter his room and gently lift him out of his crib before sitting us down in the chair Gale dragged into the room.

I have my first attempt at breastfeeding and it goes reasonably well, considering I have no clue what I'm doing.

I cradle his little head to my breast. I try to get him to latch a few times unsuccessfully before trying to switch breasts. When I finally get him latched he suckles hungrily.

I close my eyes and hum to him while he eats.

When he's done I change his diaper and wrap him in a thin blanket.

I bring him out into the living room and sit with him on the couch. I can't take my eyes off of him. I run my index finger gently over his soft baby skin. Run my knuckle across his cheek. He's so soft and sweet and smells so good.

"You know," I tell him. "We gotta find a name for you."

At my voice he gives a huge yawn and his eyelids flutter open.

I'm surprised to see my own brown eyes reflecting back to me.

Only his brown eyes are softer and lighter, almost like honey or cinnamon sugar.

I smile and coo down at him "Hi baby."

I almost choke on the lump in my throat.

He quickly falls back asleep and I tuck him into his crib.

I wonder if Gale called anyone yet. If I had to bet, I'd say he did but I want to talk to Annie anyway.

I call her up and tell her the news. She asks his name and I told her I have no idea yet.

She is having trouble containing her enthusiasm and keeps congratulating me and asking when she can come over.

I eventually get her off the phone and call Hazelle.

I have nearly the same conversation with Gale's mom, only she breaks down into tears again.

It takes longer to get her off the phone.

I lay out on the couch once I get her off the phone and wonder how it would feel if I had a mother to call too.

I push the thought out of my head and start trying to wrack my brain for names.

I knew the second I seen his face I wanted to name him after Gale, but not a junior. Maybe Gale can be his middle name?

Around two, the baby gets up again and I feed and change him and he falls back asleep.

Same routine around four, and after he falls asleep again, I start dinner.

I feel like I haven't actually cooked, like cook, cooked in months. So maybe I go a little overboard.

I make a large meatloaf stuffed with cheese, with sides of corn, and broccoli, and mashed potatoes, and a dozen fresh baked rolls.

Gale appears just as I'm finishing up dinner still dressed in yesterday's clothes.

His hair is still sticking up all over the place and I try to contain my smirk.

"Smells good" He says in a voice so thick it's almost provocative.

I slice the meat loaf, and smother it in gravy before I make both our plates.

When I sit at the table I tell him my idea of naming the baby after him for a middle name.

"Are you serious?" He asks me.

"Yes, why? You don't like it?"

"I love it" He tells me as he sticks a forkful of meat and potatoes in his mouth.

After he takes a swig of water he continues "I think I have a first name for you than."

"Oh yeah?" I ask. "What's that?"

"Evander"

"Evander?" I respond.

"Yeah, Evander, it's really old but I think it means 'Good' or 'Good man', something like that. It's perfect, since he's the good that has germinated out of our bad."

"Evander Gale Hawthorne" I taste the name.

I decide I love it.

"It's perfect" I tell him with a poorly contained grin.

After another near sleepless night, what with the baby screaming his demands to be fed every two hours, I am running off nothing but adrenaline.

Hazelle and the kids visit first. They show up practically before the sun. Hazelle said she couldn't wait another second. Posy seemed interested enough, but the boys just looked tiered.

When Evander gets up for his 8am feeding, he gets passed around. Hazelle manages not to dissolve into tears again, and Posy's smile stretches so wide across her face when she gets to hold him.

After Gale's family leaves, Annie and Finney show up not twenty minutes later.

Annie transitions directly into "Aunt" mode and demands Gale and I go to sleep for a couple hours so she can watch him.

I accept without a second thought.

The short two hours I do get seem only a tease; like I'm even more tiered than before.

I roll out of bed and leave Gale to sleep.

Evander's screaming and Annie's trying to console him, but I know he's just hungry.

I sit on the couch and she hands him to me.

Either he's starving, or I'm getting better at this breastfeeding thing because I have no problem getting him to latch this time.

He eats and my eyes start to go a little fuzzy. I blink them hard and my vision clears.

"I am so tiered" I admit to Annie.

"Yeah, it's exhausting at first. Especially since you're the only one that can feed him."

"Tell me about it, it's only been like 33 hours, and I'm already dead on my feet."

"It gets easier. I promise. Just give it time." She tells me.

"Where's Finney?" I ask.

"He's napping in Evander's crib. Oh my gosh, he looks so big in there, it's hard to imagine he once fit in it."

"Yeah, he's getting big. I miss him."

"You see him all the time."

"Yeah, but it's not the same."

"Well, now you have your own baby to see everyday" She smiles at me. "Can you believe it Johanna?"

"No," I reply honestly. "I really can't."

She pats me on the shoulder. "You're going to be a great mother Johanna."

"Thanks Annie" I smile wearily at her.

"Okay," she starts. "How about I make you something to eat?"

I yawn an "okay" and Annie busy's herself in the kitchen.

When Evander's done eating he actually stays awake for nearly an hour.

I eat, and Finney gets up from his nap.

He seems generally interested in the new baby. He takes his little index finger and pokes Evander on the cheek.

"Easy. Finn. Easy." Annie tells him gently. "Look" she takes his small hand in hers and lets Finney stroke the baby's cheek with her help "Gentle" she tells him.

Finney just smiles his million dollar smile at me and then quickly becomes uninterested.

Later in the afternoon Annie offers to cook us all dinner, but I decline. She grudgingly leaves shortly after since she had to go home and cook for herself and Finney. She gives me a hug and gently plants a kiss to Evander's little head and gather's Finney's hand in her own.

After Evander's six o'clock feeding and changing he quickly falls back asleep and Gale finally emerges from the bedroom.

"You know," I tell him. "You're going to eventually have to get on a normal sleep schedule. You can't stay home from work forever."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." He tells me. "Have you eaten yet?"

"Yeah. Lunch."

"Okay, well I'll make dinner. You go rest."

"Don't have to tell me twice." I reply and go lay on the couch.

I think Gale said something to me, but my fuzzy brain couldn't comprehend it before I fell asleep.

I wake to Evander screaming and Gale trying to pace the floor with him over his shoulder patting him gently on the back.

"Shhhh….Evan. Please. You're going to wake your mother." I hear him try to console the screaming infant.

I squint my eyes open in the light and sit up unwillingly.

I glance at the wall clock and see it's after eight.

"He's hungry" I tell Gale groggily.

"I know. I just felt bad waking you up when you have barely slept in almost three days."

"Well, he has to eat." I stretch my arms out for Evander.

He hands him to me and I latch him onto my breast expertly.

"I'm going to go heat your food up." Gale offers and heads into the kitchen.

Evander eats for longer than normal, but I don't question it. I let him eat and eat and eat until he falls asleep at my breast.

Gale whisks him to his crib and I eat my food so fast I nearly choke.

After I'm done eating Gale sends me back to bed and I get a full four hours of sleep before Evander wants to eat again.

This has to be either a good sign, or a fluke.

After his midnight feeding, I crawl back into bed and Gale joins me.

Evander doesn't get up again until 3a.m., and then again at 6a.m.

By the time he goes down for his morning nap, I almost even feel human again.

I shower and brush my teeth, which I haven't done in two days.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Okay guys! Sorry for the delay. I'm experiencing some writters block with this story now. However, here is chapter 8 as promised! **

**Just a warning this chapter has more sexual situations, or "adult themes" but it's short. The majority of the chapter is fluff and has minimal/no bad language.**

As the week moves on, Evander's feedings get more evened out. Eating about every three hours, staying awake for longer periods during the day, and falling right back asleep after his night feedings.

Gale helps out as much as possible; he has completely taken over the cooking, and takes over Evander….or Evan as he calls him, when he's awake but not demanding my breast.

Gale even bathed him all by himself for the first time tonight.

Unfortunately he has to go back to work tomorrow and I'm going to be on my own all day, but I should fare well.

Once Evan's down after his now 9 o'clock feeding Gale goes to shower. After I hear the water running for a bit I sneak in there with him.

I try to be as silent as possible but I'm sure Gale heard the tiniest creek of the door.

I tip toe in and strip out of my clothes.

I quietly pull the curtain back and step in.

He's a very good faker because he has his back towards me and his face under the stream, like he couldn't hear me enter.

I'm not stupid.

I gently plant my lips to his right shoulder and he jumps.

I try not to laugh at his charade as I kiss up his shoulder blade to the back of his neck. Once I start kissing my way up his neck he turns around and engulfs me in a wet hug.

He pulls my lips to his and the kiss gets increasingly intense as he pulls me under the spray of water with him.

Since I (unfortunately) know I'm not allowed to….indulge, after just having a baby, I kiss my way down his neck, collar bone, chest, and torso before I drop to my knees before him and take him into my mouth.

He lets a loud groan escape him and wraps his hand in my wet hair.

I place my left hand on his right hip to steady my balance and use my right hand to grasp the base of his length while I engulf him further down my throat.

I slowly pull my head back, releasing his length almost to the tip, before sucking him back into my mouth. Once he is slick with saliva I move my hand up to the tip, squeezing the head gently between the pad of my thumb and knuckle of my forefinger before retracting his foreskin down and wrapping my lips around his girth again.

I love the taste of his silky soft head.

I run my tongue up the underside of his length before it brushes over the bundle of nerves and I feel his fist tighten in my hair and he inhales sharply.

I swirl my tongue around and around his head, and I feel his grip start to loosen in my hair.

I inhale deeply through my nose and suck every inch of him into my mouth, lips wrapped tightly around the base of his length. I let out a low hum for good measure and he moans aloud.

Countless minutes tick past as I continue to hit all his favorite spots. Once I feel his fist tighten in my hair again I know he's close to the edge.

I try speeding up without gagging.

I hear him whisper out "Jo, please. I'm gonna….." but I ignore him and let him….release into my mouth and swallow.

He just stares at me in disbelief.

I smirk up to him and he pulls me up by my hands.

"Oh. My. God." He stutters out. "That was amazing."

"Yes," I reply. "I am amazing, aren't I?"

"You are" he mutters as he leans in and plants a kiss to my temple before we continue our shower.

He has the stupidest smirk on his face the rest of the time.

We brush our teeth and I brush my hair before we change and crawl into bed.

I try my best not to disturb Gale during Evan's night feedings. I roll out of bed as quietly as possible and tip toe out of the room to Evander's room.

I feed him at midnight and 3 a.m. with no problems. He eats and falls right back asleep.

When dawn peeks its golden rays through the window I hear Gale's alarm clock start blaring. I hear him click it off and roll out of bed. I don't want to open my eyes but Evander starts wailing for his 6 a.m. feeding.

I groan and roll out of bed.

I use the bathroom really quick and Evan seems to have stopped crying.

When I make it out into the living room Gale's in the kitchen, half dressed, with only his work slacks on, no shirt, and a piece of toast sticking out of his mouth. He's supporting Evan in his left arm, cradling him to his chest, with his little head resting on Gale's shoulder.

His hair's still sticking up everywhere and I don't know why I find it so damn sexy, but I do.

"Want me to take him?" I ask. "You're going to be late."

He uses his free hand to pull the toast out of his mouth and answers with a full mouth "Nahhh." He chews and swallows before adding "I can be a little late."

While Gale eats his toast I just watch as Evander keeps trying to lift his head up to look at Gale's face but he can't control his neck and gravity keeps his head to Gale's shoulder.

Since I have my hands free and I'm actually awake for once to see Gale off to work, I decide to pack him a lunch.

After his lunch is done I sit down on the couch and Gale eventually hands me Evan. I feed him while Gale goes to finish getting ready for work.

Within a few minutes he emerges from the bedroom in his button up dress shirt, and much to my disappointment, his hair tamed.

"Don't forget your lunch" I tell him.

He swoops through the kitchen and picks up his food before making his way over to me.

He bends over me and presses his lips to mine.

"Thank you" he breathes before he bends further over to gently place a kiss to the back of Evans head.

"See you this afternoon" I smile.

"Okay Jo, see you later. Love you."

"Love you too. Have a good first day back!" I call out as he shuts the door behind him.

Annie's right. Motherhood does get easier with time, patience and practice.

Evander is the absolute light of Gale and I's life. He reminds me so much of Finney when he was a baby; always happy, and just has that calm, easy going demeanor. I have no question in my mind he won't grow to be as stubborn as his parents, but hopefully he has inherited some of his Auntie Annie's sweet nature as well.

Not to mention the fact that his toothless smile alone is enough to make my heart melt, and Gale is so wonderful with him. I don't know how I got so lucky.

Time marches on and spring melts into summer; not that you can really tell much difference between the seasons here in 4.

We decided to get married on the first day of summer.

Gale and I brought Evan to Hazelle's while we went down to the old Justice building and signed some papers. I would have been perfectly content with that alone, but Annie insisted on a party.

She worked all day getting her house ready.

When we all show up, it's a beautiful sight. She opened her back door so we got a nice breeze coming in right off the water. She hung hundreds of tiny lights out back, and hung little decorations around the house. Some Finney obviously helped with. Other's almost precisionly done; white bells and birds cut out of plain white paper. Little colored links of paper cut and glued together forming a chain, streamers in white and light yellow wrapped around every post on her porch.

Once the sun started setting she led us all out on the beach; it was breathtaking, as usual.

All the colors streaked across the sky and reflected off the water; the orange glow of sunset, the pink lining of the light fluffy purple clouds. It almost looked like fluffs of cotton candy.

The gentle rising and falling of the tide almost made it look like the soft smooth sand itself was glowing gold.

One step on this beach and everywhere I look reminds me of the many times Gale and I have spent here. Dozens of memories assault my brain; watching the sunset together, building a trident for Annie, collecting shells, me twisting my ankle and him carrying me home, him finding my hiding spot under the pier, him finding that shell that he strung into a necklace, the twine, the fights, the talks, the making up, us growing closer together and falling apart, and growing together again.

It was such a journey to get here, but so worth it and this beach is so beautiful; I'm glad it holds many memories.

Annie insisted on us doing whatever their traditions are here in District 4. I agree to it and next thing I know she is bringing two glasses out from the house. We had to dip the fancy looking glassware into the foamy shoreline and swallow a bit of sea water. Of course, it was salty, like I imagined it would be. We had to tie two pieces of seaweed together, which she had laid out on a fancy silver platter. She made me wear a dress and Gale and I danced barefoot in the damp sand.

We were both awful at it. I kept stepping on his bare toes before he hoisted me up and gently placed my feet on top of his. He wrapped his arms around my waist and spun us around and around; foreheads resting against each other.

Annie and Finney closely followed suit. She put his little bare feet on top of hers and danced them around in a slow circle; Finney's arms wrapped around her legs.

Vick ended up grabbing Posy and tangoing through the shore line.

Hazelle of course wouldn't let go of Evander the whole night and Rory even brought his girlfriend for us to meet. Her name really was Audrelle.

Gale got to dance with Posy and I got to dance with Finney before the night was through. I was so dizzy from all the spinning, but it was admittedly a lot of fun.

After all the awkward dancing Annie sang their districts song, but ended up choking up at the end, remembering her and Finnick's dance to that very song.

We had a small cake, which Hazelle baked and Annie frosted.

It was plain vanilla coated in white frosting with attempted pink and blue flowers decorated on it. I got to smash some of it in Gale's face, which was thrilling for me. He smeared some frosting across my nose and cheek before taking my head in his hands and licking the frosting off my cheek.

What we did manage to eat was delicious.

Hazelle eventually broke down in tears as the night wound down and Gale and I exchanged an eye roll before she crunched us both in a hug.

All in all it was a lovely evening. I've never been happier than that night; walking home with my son asleep in my arms and my husband by my side with his hand at my waist.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: I had a little fun with this chapter, so it might be a little OOC, but I tried not to deviate too much. Just a warning: There is a lot of cursing. You all were so patient with Chapter 8 that I'm giving you Chapter 9 early :-) You're welcome. As always, please review :-) Thank you. **

I can't get past the "wife" title. It's too weird. Johanna Hawthorne. It's hard to swallow after my whole life as Johanna Mason. Being a Mason was my whole being. Everyone knew Johanna Mason. The heartless ax murderer. The Hunger Games victor.

I feel like I'm leaving behind bits and pieces of who I was and turning into something else completely.

Johanna Hawthorne isn't the same person as Johanna Mason. She's a mother. She's a wife. She's a friend. She's a daughter-in-law. She's actually nice to people. Johanna Hawthorne loves. Johanna Hawthorne has a life Johanna Mason wouldn't have even dared to dream of.

So what do I do? I have to go and ruin it of course.

I feel that fear creeping back into my soul. I'm always looking over my shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for someone to take more people that I love away from me.

As the days creep on, I get more and more paranoid.

I don't hear from Annie for a few days… her and Finney must be dead.

Gale comes home late from work….he must be dead.

Evander doesn't wake up to eat the minute he's supposed to….he must be dead too.

I sneak into his room and check on him constantly when he's sleeping, just to make sure he's still breathing.

I call Gale at work and hang up as soon as I hear his voice.

It's crazy and pathetic.

And then of course the nightmares start again.

I haven't had nightmares in years. It used to be mostly about my time in captivity or me in the arena, or me working in 7 and a tree falling on me. Always about me. Those I can handle.

Now they're worse. They're about Gale, Evan, Annie, Hazelle, the kids, little Finney; all dead in countless ways. Sometimes even Finnick makes an appearance.

I'm afraid to fall asleep at night.

The one that just startled me awake a few minutes ago started off nice.

Gale and I had Evan out on the beach. He was older and could walk in my dream. I was sitting on a blanket in the sand while Gale chased Evander through the surf.

Out of nowhere a hovercraft appears and sends a spear through Gale's head. His scarlet blood splatters everywhere, including on Evan. Evander is screaming bloody murder and I'm trying to run to him, but I'm paralyzed with fear and can't move. I try to scream but nothing comes out. I'm jolted awake just as a second spear was hurling its way towards Evan.

I wake up soaked in sweat and trying not to let the sob lodged in my chest to escape.

I roll out of bed as to not wake Gale and tread lightly to the bathroom.

I strip out of my damp clothes and wrap a towel around myself.

I tip toe back to the room and silently pull on new underwear, shed my towel and pull on a large shirt, and then tip toe out of the room.

Being alone with my thoughts is worse. I pace the house for an hour, watching the beams of moonlight streaming through the window inch its way across the floor.

I try sitting outside on our small deck and digging my toes in the cool sand.

Every little noise makes me jump and my instincts kick into high gear. It almost feels like being hunted in the arena. Only this time it's worse, because it's not a mere human that is hunting me, but fate.

I am destined to have everyone I love taken from me. What was I thinking allowing myself to love anyone else? It's a death sentence. I might as well put a red X on Gale and Evan's backs.

I drop my head to my knees and dig my toes further into the sand.

Maybe it's not too late. Maybe I can leave? Maybe I can save them all by disappearing.

I hear the demands from Evander to be fed, so it must be 3 a.m, by now.

I stand up and brush the sand off my feet before heading inside and into Evan's room.

As soon as I pick him up he stops crying.

He smiles at me like I'm the best thing he has ever seen and I smile back.

I sit with him in the chair that Gale dragged into the room the night he was born. I latch him onto my breast and just close my eyes while he eats.

He's so warm and soft. How can I leave him?

I love watching him grow every day; more personality, more toothless grins, more cooing, more baby giggles. He looks more and more like his father by the minute. The only way anyone would even think I had anything to do with him is his honey eyes; so bright and full of wonder.

But leaving him is for his own good, isn't it? Gale will tell him how much I love him.

I can visit.

I can go back to 7 and chop down a hundred trees. Fate can't mess with me then. There would be nothing to take away.

Except maybe my ax.

I open my eyes and look down at my feeding baby.

I run my thumb gently over his cheek and hairline.

He really is so soft.

He eats and goes back to sleep and I start my pacing again.

This is the third night in a row I haven't slept. I'm sure it shows, and Gale's going to start asking questions soon.

I can't tell him he married a mental person.

Over the next couple of days I try distancing myself from everyone. I try not to speak to Gale, I don't call Annie or Hazelle. I'm snappy and just trying to push everyone away.

I won't allow fate to take them from me.

After night number five of next to no sleep I feel myself starting to get delirious.

Delirium, plus paranoia, is not a good combination.

I wonder the house and every shadow makes me cock my fist back in preparation for an attack.

I army crawl on the floor to the kitchen and dig out a frying pan to use as a weapon against nobody.

I put a large boiling pot on my head like a helmet and hunker down behind the island in the kitchen.

I breathe as silently as possible; my predator cannot find its prey. I will not be prey. I will not go down as prey. I am the predator.

That's when I hear the creaking of footsteps on the floorboards.

I know I'm probably imagining it, but better safe than sorry. I expect the grim reaper to be standing in my kitchen ready to take Gale and Evan from me. I won't let it happen. I am the predator.

The sudden light burns my eyes and I have no option but to attack.

I stand quickly, disclosing my location to death himself and throw the frying pan across the room.

Gale quickly ducks and the skillet narrowly avoids hitting him.

I must look pretty crazed, what with the pot on my head and all, and throwing frying pans across the house in the middle of the night. Gale has a terrified look on his face and I know he is truly worried about my sanity.

"Johanna?" He starts, almost soothingly, just like one would talk to a crazy person. "What in the hell are you doing?"

"Nothing," I reply, taking the pot off my head. "I was…uhh…just bored, so I was playing like I was in the mockingjay army"

"You were pretending to be in the mockingjay army in the middle of the night?"

_He is not convinced. Crap._

"Yeah. Is there a problem with that?" I reply as snarky as possible.

"There is when you throw a frying pan at my head"

_That's a good point….._

My brain tries to counter but my wheels are just not turning. I can barely function, let alone think.

Since I can't think of a witty comeback I just shrug.

"Johanna, what's the matter?"

"Nothing's the matter brainless. I want to go back to 7. I need to get out of here."

"What are you talking about, Jo?"

"I'm talking about me. I need to go."

"Can we not do this now?" He asks. He doesn't look the least bit shocked by this revelation, though he does look a tad hurt.

"No, we sure don't. You can go back to bed and I can continue my game of mockingjay army. Bye"

I turn my back to him and put the pot back on my head.

He must not want to argue with a crazy person because he just bites his tongue and disappears back into the bedroom.

The next day my phone is ringing off the hook. I eventually have to pull it out of the wall to shut it up.

I have a sleeping baby here after all. Don't these people have any respect?

I decide to shower after lunch and Evander goes down for his afternoon nap.

I quickly stick my hands and each foot into the spray and shower.

When I get out I brush my hair and teeth.

I look less crazy with tamed hair, but the bags under my eyes are not helping my case much.

I get dressed and start my pacing again.

I hear a knock on the door and my reflects instantly put me into a defensive stance. One arm extended, one cocked back in a fist, feet spread, like I'm about to perform some excellent karate moves.

"Johanna" I hear Annie's voice call on the other side of the door. "I know you're in there. Open up right now."

I relax my stance and walk over to the door.

I peek through the window just to be sure.

It is Annie and she has Finney at her side, his hand in hers and she looks pissed.

I have never seen Annie look like this.

"What do you want Annie?" I call through the closed window.

"Open the door, Johanna"

"Not until you tell me what you want"

"Johanna. Open this door right now."

I can only hope it's really Annie and not an Annie mutt because I'm too tired to defend myself against a mutt attack right now.

I sigh and unlock the door.

She barges in and tells Finney to go in Evander's room and play.

She practically slams the door behind her.

"What the hell is your problem Annie? You can't just come pounding on my door. I have a sleeping baby you know"

"Cut the shit Johanna. Gale called me this morning. He told me about last night. He told me you haven't been sleeping. That you have been being a complete bitch. I'm sick of this shit Johanna, and so is he."

_Did Annie Cresta-Odair just curse?_

"Oh no….I didn't realize you were my mother now. Did Gale tattle on his big bad wife?"

"He's worried about you Johanna and so am I. You don't answer my calls. I haven't spoke to you in over a week. Gale say's you have barely even spoken to him and he lives here."

"and?" I reply, almost bored with this conversation.

"And this is bullshit Johanna. That's what. What is your problem? And what's this about wanting to go to District 7? There is nothing for you there Johanna. Everything is here."

"I can go where I want; in case you missed it Panem is a free country now. You remember the war right? I can do as a please."

"Fuck you Johanna. How dare you bring up the war. You know damn well I remember the war. I think about it every day. In case you missed it, my fucking husband died in that war. You're an asshole."

"And you just realized this?"

I don't know what I was expecting but Annie, sweet little Annie Cresta, striding across the room and slapping me across my face was not one of them.

The sting in my cheek makes my eyes water and my anger flare.

"What the fuck was that for?" I ask dumbly holding my red welted cheek.

"You need to wake up Johanna. You have an amazing husband that loves you and is worried about you and you are nothing but a bitch to him in return. He let it slide when you were pregnant. He sat there stoically when you were cursing him for getting you pregnant. When you told him a hundred times that you hated him. He took it. Well he's not taking it anymore Johanna, and I don't blame him one bit. This is getting ridiculous now. You are going to lose him. Is that what you want?"

"Yes!" I choke out. "It's exactly what I want. I want him to let me go so he can be safe."

"Safe from what Johanna?"

"From me."

Annie places her palms on each of my shoulders and shakes me a little "safe from what Johanna?"

I clench my jaw as I feel the sting of tears behind my eyes.

_Don't fucking cry Johanna….don't do it._ I chant to myself in my head.

Her deep green eyes are boring into me; she actually does look concerned for me now that the anger has ebbed away.

She shakes me one more time and repeats "Safe from what?"

I can't hold it any longer and I allow the sob that has been pressing down on me from almost 6 nights ago escape.

It comes out dry and then the tears start flowing. Aside from that single sob I stay silent as the tears flow and I try breathing evenly.

Annie pulls me into her arms and tries to shush me but the affection just makes it worse.

"Johanna" She tries again in a much softer voice. "Please, just tell me what is wrong."

"Why?" I practically whisper as I try to get my voice under control. "So you can run and tell Gale he made a huge mistake in marrying me?"

"Why would I say such a thing?"

"Because it's true." I get out shakily.

She lets go of the embrace and pulls me down next to her on the couch.

She lets me compose myself before she starts again.

"What is it Johanna?"

I suck in a deep breath "It's…it's me. I'm waiting for fate to step in and take Gale and Evander away from me. It's too much. Much more than I deserve. Everyone I have ever loved has been taken from me, they will be too. I won't let that happen, Annie. I can't. I need to leave. I need to go back to district 7 where I can't hurt anyone."

"Johanna, you're being ridiculous. It wasn't fate that took everyone away from you, it was Snow. We all know that, but he's gone, he can't hurt you anymore. As much as you may think it is, the universe is not out to get you Johanna."

"But" I try. But my brain stops me before I say something stupider than usual. What she said does make sense. I always knew Snow was behind all the "accidents" my family has sustained. Heck, I watched him murder my mother right in front of me; 'sending a message' he called it.

I just come to the conclusion she's right when I hear her ask why I haven't been sleeping.

"Nightmares." Is my only reply.

"Johanna. Do you think we need to call your old head shrink? Maybe you need a little more work?"

I laugh humorlessly at this. "I need a lot of work Annie."

She sighs "Well I wish you would have just talked to Gale or me about this instead of everything having to escalate to this."

I just shrug.

"Let me take Evander for you for the night. I still have some bottles at home, just pump some breast milk and I will keep him for you. You really need to speak to Gale, Johanna. He's really worried about you and he deserves an explanation. He deserves to know everything and he deserves better than the way you have been treating him. Talk to him."

I just nod my head as shame tints my cheeks red.

When Evander gets up I feed him from my breast and then hand him off to Annie so I can pump and pump and pump until I'm all dried out.

I pack a bag full of pumped breast milk, diapers, changes of clothes, and a couple of light blankets.

I kiss him on the top of his head and give Finney a hug and wave to Annie as they depart into the summer sun.

I busy myself with cooking dinner the rest of the afternoon.

I set everything out on the table and try to make everything look nice, but as soon as Gale walks in the door I turn into a pile of pathetic goo.

I curl into a ball on the kitchen floor and let all the years of guilt and grief come coursing out of me.

I have never cried like this before. I have especially never let Gale see me so broken.

My whole body shakes as the sobs wrack through me and the tears stream down my face.

He sits on the floor with me and gathers me into his arms without saying a word.

I ball his shirt up in my right fist and cry hysterically into his shoulder; getting his shirt soaked in the process.

He just rocks us back and forth and runs his fingers through my hair. He doesn't try to shush me, or say anything and I really don't want him to.

We sit like that for what seems like hours. I get myself all cried out and just lean my head against his chest and listen to his heart beat.

I sniffle a couple times and run the back of my hand across my nose.

I don't know what to say now that the episode has passed. I just sit there listening to Gale's heart when he finally breaks the silence.

"Feel better?" He asks.

Surprisingly I do. I feel like my whole soul has been cleansed.

I just nod against his chest and he kisses the crown of my head.

"Want to get up?" He asks.

I really don't. I want to just stay here with him forever, with the beating of his heart in my ear.

But I know we can't sit on the kitchen floor forever so I nod again.

He gets up and I hear his back crack before he offers me his hand and pulls me up too.

We sit on the couch and I bare my whole soul to him.

I tell him about my nightmares. About my fears of him and Evan being taken away from me. About how I don't deserve him, or Evan, or this life I have been given. I apologized about a hundred times and I dry sobbed into his shoulder some more.

It was an emotionally draining night, but I promised to do better. He made me promise to speak to him about these things the second they happen instead of bottling it up, or trying to "fight my demons on my own" he says.

It's amazing how quickly things can deteriorate in the matter of a few days. Gale wants me to start seeing a head shrink again, just for a few weeks. He doesn't care if I find a new one or go back to my old one, but he wants me to go.

I comply without argument.

He could probably request I go run around town naked and I would comply, because he is amazing, and he's giving me another chance, even though I don't deserve it. The least I can do is not argue with his wishes.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: I wasn't sure if you guys could handle anymore lemons in this story, so I didn't add them. There is a bit of sexual content in this chapter and maybe a curse word or two, but for the most part it's pretty mild. If you demand lemons, I shall give them to you. Let me know. Enjoy and as always please review :-)**

**Also, thank you for everyone that has been adding this story to their favorites and to my reviewers...you really keep me writing.  
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I spoke to Healer Donahugh about my "episode" without getting too much into the details. He said it was normal, with my hormones being out of balance, and being extra emotional and what not but he gave me a recommendation to a head shrink anyway, since I requested it.

I didn't want to go back to my old one from 13. I never liked the guy, with his "you're completely safe here" non-sense. Plus I've always thought he was a quack anyway.

I finally got a female healer, which I'm kind of thankful for. Hopefully she'll be more understanding. Her name is Healer Ariselle, but she just likes to be called "Miss Ari". I see her twice a week; once on Tuesday and once on Friday.

Like clockwork I bring Evan to Hazelle's for her to watch him, which of course she is thrilled about. Annie like's to take him every once in a while too. I go to my appointment and talk to Miss Ari about everything under the sun. I answer her questions as honestly as possible. Though sometimes it's really hard, especially the first few appointments because I didn't trust her. But, slowly I've come around and warmed up to her. She's really nice and has a little girl of her own. Her daughter is 3 and we talk about pregnancy and hormones as well sometimes. She is completely understanding and non-judgmental, and easy to talk to.

She reminds me of Annie a lot; no wonder I like her.

I still have bouts of paranoia, but my sessions are making it easier to deal with. Miss Ari has shown me a few exercises to practice when I start getting like that. I try my best not to let Gale see it, but he can tell when I'm trying to distract myself.

She told me to look at solid, tangible items and start making a mental check list. This is a table, the table is real, the table won't hurt me, the table won't take Gale or Evan from me. This is a lamp, the lamp is real, the lamp won't hurt me, the lamp won't take Gale or Evan from me. And so on until my brain stops thinking death will swoop in any minute and help realize what is real and solid and here and not in my head.

Surprisingly it helps, and I am getting better, or at least I think I'm getting better.

Healer Donahugh also suggested I start this new thing called birth control. It will prevent pregnancy. I think Gale and I both know I couldn't handle another pregnancy; at least not anytime soon. I'm thinking years and years and years, and then we'll see. Healer Donahugh also said it will help balance my hormones and maybe even make my periods lighter; which I'm all for. It's not like the old tonic we used to use; it's a tiny little pill. Amazing what one little pill can do. I take it every day religiously.

Days quickly drag into weeks and before I know it Finney's 4th birthday starts to approach. Time goes by too fast; I don't even know what happened. Finney was just born yesterday it seems like, and now he's turning 4?

Evander's nearly 3 month's already. He's growing like a tree too. Every day he just gets bigger and taller and gains more and more personality. He's recently started grabbing his little feet; he gets so proud of himself over this feat his little face splits into a huge grin every time.

Posy loves to mother him when he's over there Tuesday's and Friday's. He's like her own living baby doll. She dresses him up into every outfit I bring, combs his little wisps of hair, burps him for me after I feed him. She is a great helper. I usually hang out at Hazelle's after my appointments for a while. The kids are just home from school, and I get to hang out with them for a bit. It's nice. I will admit. Family.

The days of my appointments Gale usually beats me home and starts dinner. I really should make my appointments for earlier in the morning….

Nah.

I walk in the door from the Tuesday appointment before the weekend of Finney's birthday. Soon as I walk in with Evan Gale abandons his post at the stove and take's him from me. I go take his place in the kitchen and go to finish up dinner. He's able to cook, but he's still not as good as I am. Thanks to Annie of course.

"Oh, Evan, I missed you, Buddy." He lift's Evan into the air and Evander lets out a little baby squeal.

He turns to me and adds "I miss you guys like crazy being away all day" before sitting Evan on his left hip.

"Well, we miss you too, but really you'd get sick of us being here all the time."

He pretends to get offended at this and clutches his baby free hand to his chest "Oww…me? Get sick of my beautiful wife and super handsome, because looks just like his father, and not to mention super smart son? Never!"

"Oh don't start that" I try not to grin.

"Don't start what?" He saunters into the kitchen with that stupid smirk of his that has had my traitor heart skipping beats from day one plastered on his face. "Saying how beautiful my wife is? Or saying how we produced such an image of perfection, it makes the angel's heart's break?"

I narrow my eyes at him trying to remain serious "both" and then I can't help it anymore and my lips curl into a smile.

He leans in and plants a kiss to my temple and a sudden surge of heat rushes through me.

I know it was completely innocent on his part, but that was all it took to throw my hormones into a frenzy.

What with my mental breakdown and a new baby, and everything else that has been going on we haven't really had much time for intimacy.

Poor Gale, he's had a rough year in the sexuality department. First I was too sick and tired to have sex with him, then I was too hugely pregnant and uncomfortable to have sex with him, then I go and lose my mind on him and become too instable to have sex with him. Not to mention my 6 week required healing time from having Evander.

Of course I won't even mention the emotional rollercoaster I thrust him on, with my pregnancy hormones and mental status.

Geeze, I don't know how he deals with me.

Maybe my mind is broken, but my body just kicked back into high gear. Damn it. Not now.

Luckily Gale leaves me to my imagination while I try to continue cooking dinner with my mind in all sorts of naughty places and my body near on fire; burning me from the inside.

I'm squirmy all throughout dinner and Gale asks multiple times if I'm alright.

After dinner Gale bathes Evan and I do the dishes.

Once Evan is clean and dressed in jammies, I feed him.

I can't keep still and the throbbing between my legs starts; the urge, the yearning.

I can see Gale watching me out of the corner of his eye. He must think I'm losing it again.

Thankfully Evan finishes eating this century and Gale goes to put him to bed; no doubt questioning my stability at the moment.

I take the opportunity to dash across the house and get the fastest shower I have ever gotten in my life. I don't even bother to wash my hair. I don't even bother to get it wet. I tie it up on the top of my head and I wash my body really good and run my razor over my legs and arm pits as quickly as possible before getting out and toweling off. I stick my toothbrush in my mouth and scrub my teeth quickly.

I dash out of the bathroom and hide under the covers as naked as the day I was born and wait.

After a few minutes I have to resist the urge to start without him. I just wait and wait and wait. Just when I think he isn't coming the door squeaks open and I duck my head further under the covers.

"Jo?" I hear him ask. "Everything okay?"

I don't answer….I want him to crawl into bed next to me and be surprised to find me in such a state.

"Are you sleeping" I hear him.

Again, I don't answer.

I hear him moving, near silently, as always, but I hear him.

He rounds to the side of the bed I'm facing.

_Come on._ I think. _Just crawl into bed. Come on._

No such luck. I have to take action when I feel him peeling the covers back from over my head.

I whip the covers from out of his hand and throw them off of me, revealing my naked body to him.

I wrap my fist in his shirt and forcefully pull his lips to mine.

He crushes my lips as his body falls on top of me, but I welcome it.

It's so warm and firm and his lips move so freely and in sync with mine.

I feel the hunger take over and my chest tightens as I start squirming under him. My stomach erupts in butterflies, which is completely stupid after all this time.

I start trying to undo his buttons on his shirt without breaking contact with our lips. It's slow going doing it blind, and I am very impatient.

He pulls away and I actually let a whimper escape me.

"Jo" He nearly whispers my name. "Are you sure you want to do this? You're feeling….you're feeling okay?"

"I feel fine, now can you please come back here?"

He looks at me skeptically for a couple of seconds before giving in and leaning back into me.

The warmth of his lips is so intoxicating.

I finally get all his buttons undone and I run the palm of my hand down his chest and abs without breaking the kiss.

I've nearly forgotten how amazing it feels having his toned body pressed into mine.

I start working the material of his shirt off his shoulders but he eventually breaks the kiss again to shrug it off.

His lips are back on mine, and then they start trailing down.

Down my cheek, down my jaw line, down my neck, down my chest, down my stomach.

I run my fingers through his soft black hair and my skin erupts into a million tiny goosebumps.

It's been far too long.

When he starts trailing his lips back up I reach for his belt as soon as it's in reach.

His lips meet mine again and I fumble trying to get the blasted buckle undone.

Once that's out of the way I go straight for the button of his slacks without even sliding the belt out of the loops.

He doesn't seem to be protesting though, and just continues to kiss me. If I wasn't so damn desperate for him I would let the sensations pull me under. I feel if I concentrated on that alone I would likely get dizzy and lightheaded.

Once the button pops out of its little slit I slide the zipper down with ease.

I reach my right hand into his pants and wrap my fist around my prize.

He groans into my mouth and for a moment we are trying to suck in the same breath.

"Please" I moan out between breaths.

I feel his lips curl into a grin momentarily before he regains composure and breathes out "Please what?" barely breaking contact.

I start softly stroking him in my hand as best I can in the confines of his slacks.

"Please" I whisper out again.

_Don't make me say it, Gale._ My barely functioning brain thinks.

In response he thrusts his hips forward, sliding his length in the palm of my hand and deepens the kiss, stealing my breath with it.

"Please what?" He whispers out again pulling his hips back and taking the majority of his length with him.

I barely have my hand wrapped around his girth at all and I really don't want to say this aloud.

I nip at his bottom lip with my teeth before sucking it into my mouth.

I run my tongue just on the edge of his upper lip and he shudders very slightly.

"Please, Gale. I need you." I try using a seductive voice. I feel like I sound ridiculous and I know I flush a little because my cheeks heat up.

"You look so cute when you blush"

Of course this makes me blush a deeper shade of red.

"Can you please just take your pants off?" I tell him in my normal voice, trying to will the blush away.

"Now now miss impatient. These things take time."

And take his time he does.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Lemons won, so here is Chapter 11. THIS CHAPTER IS ALL SMUT! It's what? Smut. Yes. Smut. Don't say I didn't warn ya. It's a little long and may be a little TOO much. So I appoligize in advance if it's over the top. I hope I don't offend anyone or anything, LOL! **

**Also, I'm thinking I may wrap this up next chapter. I do have an idea, but I think I may make that into another story altogether.**

**As always I appreciate any reviews. I hope you enjoy :-)**

It's like he's trying to get reacquainted with my body. Claiming every inch of skin. Slowly and torturously. Inch by inch.

He presses his lips to my forehead, skims his lips to my right temple and plants a kiss there. Skims his lips down my right cheek, kisses, skims down my jaw, kisses, skims up to my ear lobe, kisses. Plants kisses all the way down my neck before sucking on my pulse point right above my collar bone.

This makes me moan softly.

He continues down my body, kissing across my right collar bone and shoulder. Kissing back across my chest to my left collar bone and shoulder. Back to my breasts, down my stomach, up my arms, my hands, my wrists, my forearms and elbows, back down my stomach. My hips, my thighs, my legs, shins, ankles, tops of my feet and back up.

It's torture. I want him so bad.

The fire that has been kindling beneath the surface is starting to roar to life. I can feel the desire from the tips of my fingers to the pit of my stomach. Every fiber of my being yearns for Gale.

I can't keep my hips from wiggling around when he starts licking up my inner thigh. I have never wanted to be touched so badly in all my life. I can feel my breath already starting to come out shallower before he even runs his tongue up my inseam.

I close my eyes and bursts of color explodes behind my lids as his tongue glides along my folds and brushes over my clit.

My fist wraps in his hair between my legs and he has to hook his hands around my hips to keep me still.

He holds me down and assaults my flesh with his intense licking and flicking of his tongue and I am completely at his mercy.

I let the moans wrack through me and my back arches until it's almost painful while my eyes remain squeezed shut and my fist remains wrapped in his hair.

After a while he releases his right hand from around my left hip bone and slowly brings it between my legs.

His tongue is giving my clit completely undivided attention as he slips two of his fingers inside of me.

He slowly starts thrusting them in and out while his tongue continues working its way in circles, flicks and strokes against my bundle of nerves.

The fire spreads even further through my body. I can feel the heat radiating off of my skin and the tingling that follows is like a pleasure all its own. My toes curl as the tingling sensation courses through me and my breath comes out in ragged gasps.

If at all possible my back arches even further and I scream out Gale's name before I release my grip on his hair and shove a pillow over my face.

Waking Evander up at a time like this will really put a damper on things.

Just when I think I can't take anymore; that my lungs will explode from my shallow gasps for oxygen, that my spine will just snap completely in half, that my body will explode from the sheer ecstasy, he stops and my whole body collapses.

I can feel him planting kisses up my stomach again while I remove the pillow from my face and suck air into my lungs.

He stops at my breasts, sucking my right nipple into his mouth and gently slides his fingers back into me.

He's going to kill me before we even have sex.

He straddles his legs over my right leg and I can feel him straining against his slacks against my thigh.

I don't know how he can stand it.

I let him stroke his fingers inside of me while he sucks at my breast for a few minutes, allowing him to spoil me a bit longer.

Once I feel I can no longer be the only one on the receiving end of this ordeal I wrap my hand around his wrist and pull his fingers from me.

He stops sucking my nipple and looks like he's about to protest when I press my index finger to his lips.

I push him off of me and force him onto his back.

I straddle over his hips and press my lips to his. I push my tongue into his mouth and I can taste myself faintly on his tongue.

I feel him wrap his arms behind me, pressing my body into his as we battle our tongues together.

I do start to get a little lightheaded this time and I have to break the kiss before too long because my head is swimming pleasantly. It's almost like being buzzed on alcohol.

He loosens his grip on me and I start kissing my way down his body; similar to his performance on me, only less extravagant. I have a destination I want to get to.

His arms fall back to his sides as I run my tongue down his neck to his collar bone. I suck hard on the base of his neck drawing blood to the surface of his skin before gently kissing it and moving my lips further down his chest.

I run my tongue flatly over his erect right nipple before biting it gently and moving further down his torso.

I feel his abs harden under my tongue and I want to just take him right then and there.

Lower and lower I go until I meet his undone slacks.

I scoot further down the bed until I'm practically straddling his ankles and draw his pants and undershorts down his legs.

His length springs out of his pants and stands at attention; just begging to be drawn into my mouth.

He helps me by kicking the slacks and undershorts off fully once I get them far enough down his shins.

I try teasing him like he did to me by kissing my way up his legs and thighs, but he obviously has way more self restraint than I do. I only make it to his knees before I can take it no longer and just straddle over his legs again and take him in my mouth as far as I can go.

I run my tongue up and down his shaft and suck him into my mouth again; I can take him further and further down once he is slick.

I can feel his length slide further into my throat and I try sucking air in through my nose so I won't gag on him.

I can't quite get all the way down to the base yet, I continue bobbing up and down on him trying to get him slicker and wetter.

Without warning Gale wraps his fist in my hair and forces every inch of his length down my throat.

I've never had this experience from him before. He's usually not so…aggressive.

For some reason this turns me on even more than I already am and my nipples harden at the force of it.

He slams his hips against my lips a couple more times and I do gag on him.

"Sorry" He says as he stops thrusting his hips and lets go of my hair.

"Don't be" I reply before sucking him as far as I can into my mouth again. My gag reflex is getting less and less pronounced because before long I can take him all the way to the base without the force.

He starts groaning aloud the further down I can take him.

I let out a hum and the vibrations from my throat wrack through him. I can hear it in his hitched breathing.

I move up to his head and start swirling my tongue around and around before spitting in my hand and wrapping my fist around his shaft. I pull his foreskin all the way down in my slick hand and run my tongue over and over his frenulum. He loves it when I flick my tongue against his bundle of nerves. It seems like he has stopped breathing all together when I gently run my tongue over his nerve endings and start stroking him almost in time with my tongue.

He is completely saturated with saliva and my hand glides effortlessly up and down his length.

I slowly run my tongue down his length scooting further and further down the bed until I'm flat on my stomach between his legs. I run my tongue all the way down to his testicles and suck the right one into my mouth while I continue stroking him.

It's soft at first, and it's almost mesmerizing watching his foreskin glide up and cover his head and then glide back down, exposing the silky soft surface. I lick and suck on his testicles gently while I continue stroking him softly.

I avert my eyes from my working hand and try to watch Gale's face. From this angle it's not fully exposed but I can see the general expressions crossing his features.

His eyes are closed and his chest is heaving. His mouth is slightly agape and if I'm not mistaken his eye brows are knitted together, but it's almost impossible to tell from down here.

I see his abdomen contract and his head rolls back just the slightest bit as a moan courses out of him.

I start working my hand faster. He wants to play rough, I can play rough.

I grip my fist tighter around his girth and start beating my fist as fast as I can while I suck both testes into my mouth, release, and repeat.

He starts groaning loudly and breathing very heavily and I know I better slow down if I want him inside me.

Which I do.

Desperately.

I release his boys from my mouth and stop my hand. I give one more good long lick and continue to run my tongue up his shaft and flick my tongue against his head one more time.

I know I am soaked between my legs from all this foreplay and I am throbbing to have him fully.

I kiss up his stomach and his chest before making my way back up to his lips.

I straddle over his hips and when I feel his length probing between my legs I know I can't take it anymore.

I sink down on his length and I have to break the kiss to bury my face in the crook of his neck and moan aloud.

After a couple of soft thrusts from Gale I regain composure and am able to sit up and start riding him.

It's slow and sensual at first. I let him fill me as my body moves with his.

I don't know how close Gale may be with his orgasm but I feel mine playing just beneath the surface. I'm already incredibly sensitive from the foreplay and each stroke of my hips, grinding against him takes me one step closer to release. I can already feel it start to build in my stomach.

I can't help but moan aloud when he wraps his hands around my hips and thrusts upwards into me.

I can feel my breasts bouncing heavily with each thrust as his grip on me tightens and his thrusts deepen.

I can barely keep up to meet his thrusts but I try my best anyway.

I match him thrust for thrust for a couple of minutes before I can no longer keep up and just enjoy the ride.

He slows down and lets me take over control again. His hands release their grip on my hips and move up to my breasts.

He teases my nipples while I ride him at a steady pace.

I can feel tiny beads of sweat already starting form just beneath my hairline and the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

I lose it completely when Gale runs his right palm down my stomach and finds my clit with his thumb, while his left hand continues to tease my right nipple

His thumb plays in circles around and around my clit and I can't concentrate on anything else as my whole body starts quivering uncontrollably. He has to take back over control and thrusts his hips gently up into me as I creep closer and closer to the edge of climax.

I can't help but bite down on my bottom lip to keep from scream out. The moans still somehow escape me. Once my stomach muscles contract I know I'm done for. With one flick of his wrist Gale sends me over the edge and I dig my fingers into his sides as my orgasm explodes from my body.

I bite harder on my lip and squeeze my eyes shut as my body takes me to something closely related to heaven. Coming down from my "high" almost feels like being on morphling again. My whole body and mind is completely relaxed and numb and tingly. I have not a care in the world.

I almost forget Gale's even there when I feel his thumb brush over my bottom lip.

"You're bleeding" He tells me

In my haze I don't know what he's talking about.

Then I taste the metallic on my tongue and the sting creeps in.

I wipe my arm across my mouth and wipe it away "Did you…" but I don't have to finish my sentence when he interrupts with his "Yes"

I take that as my cue to dismount him.

I do, and then I wiggle into his right arm and lay my head to his chest; listening to his rapid heartbeat.

We both just lay there trying to get our breathing and heart rate under control.

I rest my arm across his chest and play with his little curls of black chest hair. Gale creeps his left hand over to my arm and I feel him start stroking up and down with just the tips of his fingers. It feels good and I close my eyes at his touch.

"I love you, Jo" I hear him whisper.

"I love you too, Gale" I whisper back with my eyes still closed.

I could probably fall asleep right now I am so comfortable, but I know I need to get a shower, and Gale does too.

As if reading my mind he whispers "Want to get a shower with me? It's getting late"

"Yeah" I reply, unmoving.

"You have to get up."

I grunt in response.

He withdraws his arm from around me and all my warmth is taken with it. "Come on. Up."

"Alright, alright"

The water runs in warm streams down my body and through my hair. I shower quickly so I can collapse into bed as soon as possible.

Gale seems to be moving quickly too. He has to work tomorrow after all.

We towel off, get dressed and brush our teeth.

I brush my hair out while he goes to crawl under the sheets.

By the time I crawl in next to him he's already snoring softly.


	12. Chapter 12

**Hey guys! Sorry Chapter 12 was a little delayed. Been a busy week but here it is! I am also starting to work on Chapter 13. I have decided to incorporate my idea into this story, since it works perfectly with everything Johanna is going through. I hope you like it.**

**I really appreciate everyone that has added my story to their favorites and/or has been subscribing to me. Also want to thank my reviewers. Especially Ellenka who has really encouraged me to continue and reviews consistantly. Also, to theweekendsinner that consistantly reviews as well. You really keep me going! I really appreciate it!**

It seems like my head barely hits the pillow when Evander starts wailing his demands for his midnight feeding.

I sigh and roll back out of bed.

I tread as quietly as I can across the room and make my way across the house to Evan's room.

"Shhhhh Evan, it's okay" I try to shush him as I lift him out of the crib.

I sit us in that kitchen chair that is still in Evan's room and latch him onto my breast.

I close my eyes while he eats. My head's still swimming a little bit.

I hum to him; more to try to keep myself awake than anything else.

It seems like an eternity but he finally finishes and I change him and put him back to bed.

I drag my feet back to our room and am out like a light.

When my eye lids flutter open again the golden rays of dawn are streaming in and I immediately start to panic. Evander didn't wake up for his 3a.m. feeding.

I shoot out of bed and yank the bedroom door open.

My heart sinks from my throat back into my chest when I see Gale's up with Evan and everything seems to be fine.

"Are you okay?" Gale asks me.

"Yeah, fine. I was worried when Evan didn't wake up for his 3a.m feeding."

"He did wake up for his 3a.m. feeding. I couldn't get you up for the life of me, so I just fed him. We had a little bit of spare breast milk in the fridge."

"Oh. Okay. Well good. Thank you."

"No problem" He smirks at me.

"Aren't you tiered?" I ask him.

"A little, but I'll live"

"Want me to take Evan so you can go get dressed? He's due to eat soon anyway."

"Sure" He walks over and passes Evander to me and then pecks me on the lips."I already changed him and everything so he should be good for a while."

"That's the sexiest thing I have ever heard you say." I smile at him as I sit Evander on my hip and make my way into the kitchen while Gale disappears into the room.

I start trying to make Gale some kind of breakfast one handed.

I use my teeth to undo the loaf of bread and stick two slices into the toaster.

I dig in the fridge and get butter and then rummage through the cabinets and get out sugar and cinnamon.

By the time I get everything gathered the toast has popped up. I pinch the corners to pull one slice out at a time and lay them on the counter.

Spreading the butter one handed is turning out to be harder than I thought. The bread keeps moving with the knife and it just sticks.

After a couple attempts I abandon the one handed route and go to Evan's room and grab a blanket. I spread it out on the floor in the living room best I can lay him down on it.

"Be right back Evan. I'm just gonna go make Dadda some toast."

He just looks up at me with those honey brown eyes and smiles his toothless grin at me.

I make my way back into the kitchen and finish spreading the butter and mixing the cinnamon and sugar before sprinkling it on the toast.

I take a bite of it; just to you know….taste it. Make sure it's safe….and good….yeah, that's it.

It is good.

I put the slices on the table and pour some orange juice.

When Gale finally makes an appearance he looks handsome as he always does in his dress clothes for work.

The light gray fabric of the shirt and the light blue tie really brings out his eyes.

"I give you….." I sweep my arms to the table like I'm presenting him with some award or jewels or something. "Cinnamon toast"

"Cinnamon toast?"

"It's good, I promise. Not that I took a bite out of it or anything"

"Yeah I can see that. Evander must have been gnawing on it. Thanks, Jo"

"Yeap. I'm going to go feed Evan now. One of my boys down, one more to go" I wink at him as I make my way back out into the living room.

Evan is just laying there with his feet in his hands, looking around like he has never seen anything outside his room before.

I pick him up, sit us on our usual morning spot on the couch and latch him onto my breast.

It seems like no time has passed before Gale is slipping his feet into his loafers and getting ready to head out the door.

"Thanks for breakfast, Jo. That cinnamon toast was really good. New and exciting. I love it."

I just chuckle at him.

"I will see you guys later this afternoon." He leans down and pecks me on the lips again before running his palm over Evander's head.

"Bye Gale, Have a good day. No sleeping on the job."

"Yeah, I'll try. Bye."

And he's out the door.

"What are we going to do today, Evander?"

He flashes his eyes up to me quickly before he turns his attention back to eating.

Once he's finished I put him back down on the blanket go grab him some toys and then go pick up the phone to call Annie.

She picks up on the third ring.

"Hello?" I hear her answer.

"Hey Annie. Sorry it's early, I was wondering if Evan and I come over today?"

"Of course, you can come over Johanna. You don't have to ask."

"Great. We'll be over there in a few. Later Annie"

"Bye Johanna"

I hang up and start pouring myself some cereal for my own breakfast. I eat and then bring Evander into the room with me while I get dressed.

I bring him back out to his blanket on the floor while I scuttle around the house packing him a bag.

Spending the day with Annie was almost like old times.

We would just sit on the porch with our boys on our laps, or walk down the beach. Evan really loved when I dipped his little feet in the water. He was born in District 4 after all. Guess he'll be a little fish like Finney.

Annie made us all lunch and when the boys were napping we got to even enjoy the silence together.

She baked some of the traditional green salty seaweed District 4 bread for us, which I haven't had in forever it feels like. We got to tear off chunks and smear it with butter or cheese while we drank some water with lemon squeezed into it.

So many flavors fighting for dominance, racing across my tongue; Tangy, sour, sweet, salty. So good.

We got to talk and take care of each other's kids; which was fun for me because I got to color with Finney while she was on diaper duty.

Overall it was a really fun day.

After Evander's 3p.m. feeding I start re-packing his stuff and get ready to head out.

I hug Annie and squish Finney into a hug and plant a kiss to his bronze curls.

"See you guys later" I wave to them as I head out the door and make my way home.

By the time I walk in the door I am really fighting the urge to take a nap.

I spread Evan's blanket back out and put him down with some toys scattered around while I start on dinner.

Not two minutes after I set the water to boil the phone rings.

I lower the heat on the stove and cross to the receiver.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Jo. Just wanted to let you know I'm going to be home a little late today. Got caught up at work."

"Good, because I just started on dinner and it won't be ready for a while. Take your time."

"Alright Jo, see you in a couple hours."

"Okay Gale"

He hangs up and I follow suit.

Since I don't feel like I have to rush now, I take my time with dinner.

I set noodles to boil while I very finely chop parsley, and bazil. I start on a creamy white sauce called Alfredo.

I get out the chicken and wash and peel all the fat off of it and then chop that up too. I lightly bread it and fry It in the skillet.

Once everything is done I combine it all into a large pot. The sauce, the noodles, the herbs, the chunks of chicken.

I call it chicken noodle alfredo. I think it's from an ancient place called Italy. Not even anywhere near Panem.

Gale still isn't home when everything is ready so I eat without him.

After my dinner I put the rest away and stick all the pots and pans in the sink to soak.

I feed Evander his 6 p.m. feeding, and then go and bathe him.

The time just ticks further on. I get Evan in his jammies, and in bed as the clock get's nearer to 8. I don't know what in the world can be taking Gale so long.

I even have time to get the dishes done and get a shower.

Once it starts getting closer to 9, I admittedly start to worry a bit. He said a couple hours. It's been over 4.

I was just about to call his office when he finally makes it home. Somehow he looks even more handsome than before he left. His hair is a little windswept, his tie hangs loosely around his neck and his sleeves are rolled up to his elbows.

I can't help but rake my eyes up and down his body a couple times before I finally spew out "Well, hello handsome"

"Back at ya, Beautiful. I'm starving."

"Your dinner is in the fridge."

"Great. Thanks." He sweeps past me into the kitchen.

"So what took you so long?"

He tries to ignore me as he digs in the fridge for his food and starts the microwave up. I'm sure he knows that tactic isn't going to work.

So I wait.

I sit with him as he inhales his food without a word.

I watch as he cleans his plate in the sink without a word.

I watch as he chugs some water from the fridge without a word.

He finally looks at me and says "What?"

"I'm just waiting for you to answer me."

"Answer you about what?"

"I asked you what took you so long?"

"Wellllllll" He stretches out.

"Well, what?"

"Well. I got you a surprise. But I wasn't sure if now was the best time."

"What is it?"

"Okay," He starts. "Well I talked to Miss Ari today, strictly for advice, and I told her about my idea, to see if it would be okay. Something you can handle. She thinks it would be beneficial for you and I do too."

"Sooooo?"

"So. I was wondering, IF," He pauses. "You would like to go to District 7 with me and Evan for a few days next week?"

He pulls the train tickets out of his back pocket and fans them out to show them to me.

I am speechless. He knows this is what I have wanted since…..how many years has it been? 5 years? 6 years? 7 years? Since I was reaped for the quarter quell really.

He's still waiting.

"I" I take a deep breath. "I would love that."

He smiles at me and shoves the tickets back in his pocket before striding across the kitchen and engulfing me in a hug.

"Good." He says. "I wanted to wait until Evan was a little older so he can enjoy it, but we can always go again in a few years. We can invite Annie and Finn if you want. Or my mom and brothers and Posy. Whatever you want."

"What about Finney's birthday this weekend?"

"We can still go to Finn's birthday, I took some time for next week off."

"Oh. Okay." I look at the floor not really knowing what to say to him.

"Jo? What's the matter?"

"Nothing. I. I just don't know what to say"

"Say…..yes! Let's go to District 7"

"Of course. Yes. I want to go to District 7."

"Well then, there is nothing left to say."

"Besides Thank you" I tell him finally meeting his eyes.

"Don't mention it, Jo." He smiles at me, obviously proud of his idea. "I'm going to get a shower, okay? Then maybe we can get to bed early. We did have a….late night last night." He chuckles.

"Yeah, okay." I smile back, remembering last night's escapades.

He disappears into our room and I start locking up the house and flipping light switches off. I check on Evan one more time before shutting his door and making my way to Gale and I's room.

I can't help but pretend to be brushing my teeth so I can go peek in at Gale while he's showering.

I stick the toothbrush in my mouth and then go inch the shower curtain back as stealthily as I can.

I watch like a voyeur for a minute or two and then abandon my operation before I get caught.

I actually brush my teeth and then go crawl under the covers.

I tuck my hands behind my head and stare at my shell necklace nailed into the wall while thousands of thoughts come swimming in my head.

_I can't believe Gale is taking me to District 7. I can visit my family's graves. Do I want to even go there? Can I handle that? Are they even still there after the rebellion? How bad will I realize I miss it once I'm there? Will I want to leave? Will Evan like it? Well he's barely a few months old, he won't even know what's going on. Do I remember how the weather is during the summer? Is this some kind of test in my stability that Gale and my head shrink concocted? Gale. I wonder if he ever misses District 12. Would he want to go back? Would it just be too much for him? Katniss is there I think. Would he want to see her? Does he still love her somewhere in his heart? Does….._

"Ummmm….earth to Johanna?"

I snap out of my head to see Gale staring down at me. His hair is still a little damp and sticking up at odd angles. His skin nearly shines with the droplets of water cascading down his body. Good lord. I had to go and marry a sex god, didn't I?

"Huh?" I reply dimly. I can't tear my eyes from him.

"What are you thinking about in that head of yours?"

"What? No. Nothing."

"Okay, Jo. If you say so." He says as he pulls the sheets back and scoots into bed next to me.

I automatically wiggle my way into his arms. This gesture once was the scariest thing for me, now it is like…..coming home.

He lies on his back and I roll over onto my side, resting my head against his shoulder and draping my arm across his chest.

We lay in complete silence. His eyes are closed, but of course now I can't sleep with all my recent thoughts still running around in my head.

I just watch as his chest rises and falls lightly.

I really don't want to say anything to him. I feel like I may explode if I don't though. Holding it in can't be good for my mental recovery.

I roam my eyes up his body until they meet his angelic face. He looks so peaceful.

"Gale?"

"Hummmm?"

"Do you…. Do you ever want to go back to District 12?"

"Why would I want to do that?" He replies sleepily with his eyes still closed.

"I don't know? Memories? To see your old friends?"

"What old friends Johanna? There's no one there for me, and only bad memories. I have no reason to go back."

"Well. Your memories can't be all bad can they?"

He finally opens his eyes and I look away. "What are you getting at Jo?"

"Nothing. I was just wondering."

"Wondering what?"

"If you wanted to go back to 12. We could go if you want. Visit."

"Visit what? I told you there is nothing there."

"I don't know? Visit Katniss?" There I said it. "I mean you did love her at one point in your life."

I hold my breath waiting for him to answer. The silence is awful.

"Jo. I don't want to visit Katniss. We haven't spoken since the end of the war. It's been years. I have nothing to say to her, and I'm sure she has nothing to say to me."

"You don't know that."

"I do know that. Why are you bringing this up?"

I just shrug.

Maybe I can try to pretend to fall asleep.

"Jo?"

_Don't answer. Don't answer. Don't answer._

"Jo. I know you're not sleeping."

_Crap._

"Why are you bringing this up?" He repeats.

"I don't know. Just wondering I guess."

"Jo. You know I love you. And Evander. And my life here. I have no reason to go back to 12. I am not in love with Katniss. Maybe I was at one time, or at least I thought I was, but that was years ago. I'm not anymore. I love you."

"I know. I don't know why I thought that. I was just wondering."

"Well as long as you know that. My life is here."

"I know. Mine too."

Silence again.

"Umm… night Gale."

"Night, Jo."

His eyes slip closed again and I just watch him for a little while before my eye lids grow heavy and darkness swallows me.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Hey guys! Sorry sorry sorry this is so late and so short! I have been insanely busy. I started a new course and have had nothing but The Hunger Games on the brain. It's bad. I can barely function. LOL! I haven't had much time to write and haven't written much, but I thought I better post something before I get lynched ;-) Hope you enjoy this short chapter. I promise once I get them to District 7 the story will start rolling again.**

**As always, love you all for your support and reviews! Thank you! **

The rest of the week fly's by in a haze.

I talk with Miss Ari on my Friday appointment about going back to District 7 and all the thoughts that have plagued me a few nights ago with the announcement of going back.

She suggests Gale and I go alone, she thinks it will be too overwhelming for me if everyone goes, and the fact that Evander's only 3 months old and the train ride alone is going to be too hectic for not only him but for me as well.

I think she's right. I'm 27 years old and I don't even want to sit on a train for 10 hours, let alone a 4 year old and a 3 month old.

Overall she thinks it will be purifying to visit and put my past behind me or at least confront it.

She even talked some sense into me with my irrational worries over Katniss, of all people, and Gale's desire, or lack thereof, to go back to District 12.

I really like Miss Ari.

After my appointment, my whole being is relieved. The pressure on my chest has eased and my mind is incredibly clear.

I swing by Hazelle's and pick up Evan, then head home.

As usual with my appointments Gale is already there.

I tell him what Miss Ari said about just the two of us going to 7.

He agrees without so much as a side comment.

We debate back and forth who to leave Evander with, but we both agree on Hazelle.

He goes to call his mother and our regular night commences.

I finish up dinner while Gale handles Evan.

After dinner I feed Evan and then Gale goes to bathe him and get him in bed while I do dishes. Much of the same routine, but it's our routine, and I love it.

Finney's 4th birthday comes and goes and finally there are no incidences worth noting. Rory brought Audrelle with him as well; I noticed he's taken to calling her just Audrey now. It really takes a lot of effort not to roll my eyes around them. Such teenagers.

I can't believe how tall Posy and Vick are both getting. And Finney for that matter.

The cake was delicious as always and the company was even better. It's hard for all of us to get together anymore. But, things change, people change, circumstances change. Hazelle and Annie must know that better than anyone.

The whole day Sunday was spent mostly packing and getting things ready for our trip to 7. And of course spending every free second with Evander. I am really going to miss him. How am I supposed to leave my baby?

I had to go and buy Evander something called formula, since I can't pump enough breast milk for such a long period of time. Hazelle insists it will be okay for a few days. She encouraged me not let myself dry up while I'm gone however.

Hazelle even decided to pack a bag and come stay at our house, as opposed to us lugging all Evan's stuff to her house. Posy is going to come too but the boys are staying home. I'm sure Hazelle already had a "don't destroy my house while I'm gone" talk with them. I hope everything goes well. I hope Evan is good for her, I hope the boys don't take too much advantage of Hazelle being away, I hope this doesn't interrupt Posy getting to school on time. I just hate to be an inconvenience.

Hate to be an inconvenience? I'm Johanna Mason, queen of inconvenience. No, wait. I'm Johanna Hawthorne. Guess Johanna Hawthorne, hates to be an inconvenience. Wow. Learn something new about myself every day.

It will be fine, I tell myself. Everything will be fine.

Before I know it, it is time for Evan to go to bed and I am reluctant to let him go. I just want to cuddle with him all night and let him sleep on my chest.

I kiss him on the head multiple times while Gale just rolls his eyes at me, waiting for me to relinquish our son to him so he can put him to bed.

I go to shower even though my heart feels heavy and I try not to think about leaving Evan. God I have turned into such a wimp.

I push the thought of Evan out of my head and wash my hair and body. I finally don't have to use my special shampoo anymore, though I think my water ritual is going to be stuck with me for life. The water dance I can deal with, the nightmares, I can't. Luckily I haven't had many since I've started seeing Miss Ari.

I've come to terms with the fact that I'm damaged goods.

Gale unexpectedly joins me and I get to enjoy the show while I condition my hair. Maybe I start moving slower than I previously was, but I don't want split ends or anything. Yeah, split ends.

I eventually drag myself out of the shower and leave him to it. I towel dry my body off and then wrap the towel around my hair.

I get dressed and brush my teeth before combing my hair out.

I hear the water turn off just as I'm crawling into bed.

Evander starts to creep his way back into my head but I shut my eyes tight and fall asleep before the emotions I am trying to keep at bay overwhelm me.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Here's another short chapter. I figured I'd post it while I work on the next chapter. I have a LOT written for when they get back home from 7. I'm just trying to bridge everything together now. The grave scene is coming up next, so stay tuned :-)**

**As always, thanks for any reviews! and THANK YOU to those who have been adding my story!**

****** NOTE! Guys, IDK if you are even going to get this update, but I realized why Chapter 14 seemed so short! I left out a whole section! I am updating, so sorry if you miss it!  
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All too soon morning dawns.

I drag myself out of bed and go to eat breakfast while I wait for Evander to wake up for his morning feeding.

He has good timing too, as soon as I finish and put my bowl in the sink he starts crying.

I go to his room and lift him from his crib, change his diaper and put him in some clothes for the day before relishing in my last feeding for a few days with him. I snuggle him close and let him eat for as long as he likes.

Before he even finishes I hear a knock at the door and Gale must have woken up because he answers it. I assume Hazelle and Posy here already.

My suspicions prove true when Posy peeks her little ginger head in the room.

"Hey Johanna," She says.

"Hey Posy, Are you ready to babysit your nephew for the week?"

"Oh yes! I can't wait," she enters the room fully and sits Indian style on the floor. "I told mother I can even stay home from school for one of the days to help her, but of course she won't hear any of it."

"Yeah, well, school's important." Yeah, this is coming from me, the doodler.

"Well, at least I can help in the mornings and after school. I'm excited!" She continues.

"Well, I'm glad. I know he will be in good hands." I smile at her and she beams up at me.

He finishes eating and I hand him off to her. She carries him behind me as we make our way to the living room.

Hazelle and Posy's bags are set on top of Gale's desk.

As usual Hazelle hops up and hugs me like she hasn't seen me in years, even though I just seen her a couple days ago.

"You two better get dressed and get going if you want to catch your train" she tells us as she lets go of me.

With that Gale and I disappear in the room and get dressed. We brush our teeth and pack the last minute items, such as toothpaste, toothbrushes and deodorant.

I lace up my shoes while Gale heads back out into the living room.

When I exit our room fully dressed I see Gale has Evan pressed to his chest, almost protectively, while he talks to Hazelle.

As I get closer I can over hear their conversation and it seems as if he is giving her instructions on child care. It almost makes me want to laugh. She only raised 4 kids by herself; I think she can handle Evan for a couple of days.

"He eats every 3 hours, he just had his 6 a.m. feeding, so he should be good until at least 9. I'm not sure how he will like the formula stuff, but if there are any problems the number to the place we are staying at is on the fridge. He likes to nap in the afternoons and loves his bath at night, it really calms him. He falls asleep pretty easily; sometimes you have to sing to him though. I know he really likes it when….." He goes on an on and on and I can tell Hazelle is trying not to roll her eyes at him.

He seems to be finishing up his little speech and just clutches Evan closer to him.

"Gale, hun," Hazelle starts; obviously she had enough of him and his instructions. "He will be fine, okay. I promise."

"I know, ma"

"Okay, so than hand Evander over and you two need to scoot."

He looks reluctant for a second but eventually plants a kiss to Evan's black locks and hands him over to Hazelle.

"Daddy'll see you in a couple days, okay buddy? I'll miss you, be good for Grandma." Gale says to Evan, even though Evan has no clue what is going on. "Thanks Mom, see you in a few days. Call if you need anything!"

I never figured Gale would be one of those worrisome parents. He's almost worse than me, I have been holding up pretty well so far today.

"Okay, okay, I promise. Now you guys need to go" Hazelle says again for the millionth time.

I take the opportunity to caress Evander's cheek and give him a kiss to the top of his head. "I love you Evan, see you in a few days. Thanks Hazelle."

"Bye Posy," I add.

"Bye guys, have fun" Posy says back while Gale and I grab our bags and head for the door.

Miss Ari was right. The train ride was exhausting and utterly boring.

You know that feeling you get when you get closer and closer to your destination but for some reason it seems like you're just never going to get there? That's how I felt for at least the last hour.

When the train finally pulls up to the platform I am ready to run from it.

We grab our bags and try to navigate through the crowd to get off the blasted train. Once we squeeze through the doors I almost instantaneously feel better. I guess I've gotten accustomed to the constant salty air in District 4 because the wind blowing in my face now seems so pure and clean and fresh it should be bottled. You can smell the trees in the air. Just a hint of it, but it smells like…..home. It's a little colder than I would have expected it to be, given it's summer and all. Sweater weather my sister used to call it.

I huddle closer to Gale for warmth and he wraps his arm around my shoulders as we walk on wards. Our little bed and breakfast nook isn't too far off from the train station but it's going to be a long walk into town tomorrow.

He gets us checked in and collects our room key as we head down the short hall way to find our room.

I am exhausted. I don't even want to change once I see how comfy our bed looks. I just want to kick off my shoes and fall face first into the pillows and fall asleep.

I set my bag down and Gale does the same.

I kick my shoes off and start to strip out of my clothes when I notice him staring at me.

"What?" I ask.

"Just wondering how you're feeling so far."

"So far, so good. The air smells so fresh, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, it does. Are you hungry or anything?"

"No, I'm just tired."

"Okay, well than let's go to sleep, it's going to be a long day tomorrow."

I fall asleep so fast I don't even know it happens.

I wake only once in the middle of the night. Gale is snoring softly beside me but my breasts are swollen and sore. It's like they know Evander should be feeding at this very moment.

I use the opportunity to express the breast milk and relieve my swollen breasts.

I have to restrain the urge to call the house. I wonder if Evan is up and eating right now. I wonder how Hazelle's first day went? I'm sure it was fine.

I toss and turn for a little bit before my eye lids fall heavy and I am sleeping once again.

By the time I wake I can tell it's late. Gale's side of the bed is deserted and the sun is shining very brightly through the near sheer window curtains.

I haven't been this well rested in…..I don't even know. A long time. I'm used to getting up multiple times a night and up by 6 a.m. This is nice actually.

I pull on a robe and try moseying through the cottage to find Gale.

I check the kitchen and the back deck to no avail.

I make my way to the lobby/living room/sitting area and find him watching T.V. with some other couple that is also there.

"Oh hey," He says when he sees me. He gets up from the chair he was in and comes to me.

"This is my wife Johanna that I was telling you guys about. Johanna this is Mr. and Mrs. Padberry."

"Oh, please call us Marv and Jewel." Mr. Padberry says.

"They came all the way from District 1" Gale informs me.

"Um…. Nice to meet you guys. I should get dressed." I say, before adding "Why didn't you wake me up?" to Gale.

"You needed the rest, we have the whole day and all day tomorrow, we're in no rush."

"Okay, well I'm going to go get dressed."

"Okay" He tells me before sitting back in his chair.

I'm dressed, fed, brushed and we're out the door by 1 o 'clock.

Gale asks Marv and Jewel if they would like to join us, but they decline.

We make our way in town and take a ride on a new ferry they made down the wide river that snakes through the vast trees.

The water is so different here than in District 4. Everything is a hint of green there. Here the water is dark. You can tell it's clear but the stones at the bottom of the river give off the impression that the water is a light shade of brown. It blends well with the tress, and is so pretty.

Gale and I sit and talk about District 7. I tell him some of stories that assault my memory; rope swinging into the watering hole, my sister teaching me how to swim, the first memory I have wielding an ax.

I actually laugh at some of the memories I have.

Once our lengthy ferry ride ends we go to a hunting lodge. He rents us some gear, him a bow and arrow and some wire for snares of course, and myself an ax. With that we take to the woods and spend the rest of the day hunting and trying to fish. He catches so many rabbits with his snares. Of course it is all futile, and we will have to give our catches to the hunting lodge, but it's still almost nice being back in the woods.

I hurl my ax blade into tree trunks at times, and at others just lay lazily on the leafy floor and watch Gale's delicate hands work.

We wade into the pond up to our knees and try catching fish with our bare hands. Of course we don't catch any.

I show Gale the tadpoles that have gathered by the muddy shore.

I even take down a squirrel. Behead it with my ax from 50 feet away.

Sunset falls and I am almost reluctant to leave.

We gather the rabbits Gale caught, and my beheaded squirrel, before we head back to the hunting lodge. We return the weapons and hand over the rabbits and squirrel before grabbing dinner at a nearby restaurant.

Gale addresses the elephant in the room after the waiter leaves with our orders.

"So, you want to go to try to find your family's graves tomorrow?"

For some stupid reason I feel the blood drain from my face before I regain my composure and just shrug nonchalantly.

"I think it will do you good Jo. We should at least go look."

"Okay."

He changes the subject after that and the mood lightens considerably.

When we finally make it back to our room of the B&B I am full of energy. I shouldn't have slept so late.

I start to tease Gale, running my finger tips up and down his arms and biting on my bottom lip.

I undress slowly and he doesn't take his eyes off me.

Before I even have the chance to initiate anything he pulls me to him and presses his lips fervently to mine.

Our love making that night is so full of the passion and fire that burns within us, it will not go unnoticed by our temporary roommates.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: HEY everyone! I finally got the grave scene done! I really, really really hope you all like it. :-) As always please review! Also, want to thank everyone that has been adding my stories and/or subscribing to me! I can't tell you how much i appreciate it!**

**P.S.- 5 more days until The Hunger Games! (or 4 Days, and 6 hours or so for those of us going to the midnight premier!) I AM PSYCHED! **

The next morning I can't stand one more minute and break down and call Hazelle. I miss Evander so much. More than I can even imagine a person can miss another individual. It actually hurts my heart. Like, seriously hurts my heart.

After she assures me everything is fine and I fight the lump in my throat I go and shower while Gale sleeps.

When I get out he's awake and changing.

"Where's the fire?" I ask

"We have a long day ahead of us, time to get movin'"

Reality strikes me and I nod wordlessly.

We get dressed and grab breakfast in the kitchen.

We have a short run in with Marv and Jewel, they tease us mercilessly about our "waking them up" last night. Of course Marv nudges Gale in the ribs with his elbow and Gale fails miserably at trying not to smirk.

After breakfast we are off again.

We walk, walk, walk. Through town, and beyond.

I try remembering where everything used to be, but nothing is the same anymore. I can't tell the old paper mill from a new building in construction. Everything seems out of place and I don't know if I can even find the grave yard, let alone their individual graves.

I realize how much I miss this place though; the crunching of leaves under our feet, the vastness of the trees, the hint of pine in the air.

Some things never change.

No matter how many wars are ravaged, you can't take the scent of pine out of the air.

I walk us onward trying to find something, anything that looks familiar. I get us lost a couple of times but Gale follows without comment. Like a shadow by my side.

I would have never known where I was if I haven't tripped over its foundation, but as I plummet to the ground realization hits me. Gale helps me back up and I wipe the dirt from my knees.

"The old justice building," I say to him. "The rebels must have burnt it to the ground. I know where we are now."

"Well, lead on Mrs. Hawthorne," He says.

Will I ever get tired of hearing that name?

I follow the dirt road with ease. We walk and walk as the trees get denser and denser.

"We're almost there. You should start seeing names engraved in the tree trunks soon."

Not two minutes after I say the words do we run across the first name.

The further we walk the more names are engraved into the bark. Name upon name upon name. Several names carved into one tree. More names than I can remember being here. Some old and faded, some seemingly fresh or at least relatively new. They're everywhere. People trying to preserve their loved ones names for all of eternity.

That's when the tombstones come into sight. Rows and rows and rows of old faded stone. It's not even fancy stone, like marble. It's close to white sheets of plain old rock. But it's something.

We walk silently through the rows, careful not to step on any graves. It's eerily silent, not a sound, say for the whistle of the wind in our ears.

I scan the names but I know where I'm going now. Further and further back we go, past all the souls that are probably too young to be 6 feet under. I try not to think about it, the lump is already trying to reform in my throat and I try to swallow it to no avail.

My throat constricts and I am thankful I don't have to speak for the time being.

I stumble upon my brothers' grave first. The name Summit Mason is etched into the stone big and broad, like he was.

I halt and Gale nearly walks into me.

I clear my throat, "Sorry. This is Summit's grave."

"Want to tell me about him? You've never said much about him."

"Not much to tell. I didn't know him very well; he was almost 14 years older than I am. By the time I could remember him he was already ineligible for reaping, done with school and sent to the trees with the rest of the lumber jacks."

Gale still comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me anyway. I really don't feel too strong of an emotion stirring. I just stare at the name silently before I move forward and run the palm of my hand over his headstone.

"Hi Summit, I'm sorry we weren't closer. Maybe I should have brought you flowers or something? Did you even like flowers? Probably not."

That's about all I can think of to say. I feel stupid now; talking to a stone with no beautiful words to utter or even an offering to give.

My father is buried nearby and I have no strong pull towards him either.

And no words.

I find my mother in exactly the same row as my father but she is three headstones up.

I sit Indian style near her headstone and silence engulfs me again.

I don't know what to say to any of them. Why did we come here?

Gale eventually sits next to me and breaks the silence, as he's done so many times before.

"What was your mother like?" He asks.

"She was…..hard working. She worked in the paper mill to try to help support us kids. She was a good mother though. When she wasn't working or trying to make us food or utterly exhausted, she was a lot of fun. She actually gave me my first ax. You'd think my dad or my brother would be the one, but it wasn't. She gave it to me when I was barely 4. The memory is muddled but I definitely know it was her. She loved to laugh. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like…"

Whoops. Said too much.

"Would be like if what, Jo?"

"If she ummm…."

Think, Johanna, think.

"Were still alive?" Gale finishes for me.

I shrug. "Yeah, sometimes, I guess I do."

"I'm sorry Johanna. I wish it were different."

"It is what it is" What else is there to say?

"I bet she would have been a great grandmother to Evander"

"I bet she would."

Silence again.

He gently coaxes bits and pieces of info out of me, scoots close and tries to just be there; solid and strong like these etched sheets of rock.

We spend far too much time at her grave before I'm ready to move on and find my sister.

I guess the most fortunate thing about them all being massacred within the same week is they are all buried close together. Even in death, the Mason's can't be separated.

I know families that are scattered far and wide in this wasteland.

My sister is a couple headstones down from my mother.

Her name is carved into the stone so curvy and fine. Definitely girly and pretty. Who picks the font around here? She was definitely beautiful and girly. So unlike me.

I sit as stony and silently as these tombstones.

Gale whispers a "be right back" in my ear and leaves me with my thoughts.

My sister. My older sister. The sister that was so much more to me.

It seems like a long time passes before Gale sits by my side once again.

He sits silently, studying me. I can feel his eyes trained on me.

"She was like a mother to you, right? You said that once." He asks.

"Yeah, she was. She…" Unexpectedly that lump forms in my throat again, choking me mid-sentence and I can't continue.

I clear it a couple times before I move on. "She took care of me, and the house. She was so pretty and everyone loved her. She was smart, and nice and endlessly patient."

I choke up again as a memory hits me from nowhere.

I'm 5 years old and I am begging Olive to brush my hair into pigtails. At first she says she can't because she is trying to help mother with the laundry and has a pile of homework to do. But I beg and beg and beg. "Please Olive, please. I just want to look as pretty as you" I said to her. She sighs at the guilt trip and stops pinning laundry up. "Okay Josey, but just this one time, okay?" She answers. But before long the laundry lay forgotten and she played with my hair for what seemed like hours. Styling it in a bunch of different ways. Using water to spike it up, making a Mohawk and calling me a rooster. We laughed so hard at that hair style. She braided it, put it in 6 pony ties, 3 on each side of my head, brushed it into one long ponytail high on the top of my head, brushed it out, put me in a side ponytail, and then finally putting it in the pigtails that I requested. She picked me up and brought me in the bathroom to show me how pretty she made me in the mirror. She pulled the pigtails out gently and shook my brown hair out until it was a jumbled mess. "Look Josey, look how pretty you are. Even with your messy hair." I remember looking into the mirror with such pride swelled in my chest. I wasn't as pretty as my big sister but she invoked such confidence in me.

All my confidence died with her.

I feel the warm tears start to flow down my cheeks and I try to wipe them away before Gale notices.

Of course he doesn't miss a thing and just presses me into a hug.

He releases me and then tries asking me more questions, but I can't speak anymore. I'm fighting the tears harder than I would like to admit. I'm a mess.

Gale gives up on questioning me when he sees I'm not answering him.

Without one word he presses the three middle fingers of his left hand to his lips before saluting my sister with the all too well known District 12 salute.

This is so unexpected and meaningful and heartfelt I lose it right then and there. I burst like a rain cloud.

And just like the night I had my mental breakdown Gale simply scoops me into his arms and lets me cry into his chest without saying one word to me. No shushing, or trying to calm me, no impatience. He is just simply there for me.

As he always is.

"It's all my fault," I sob against him.

"It's not your fault Johanna."

"How can you say that when you know it is?" I can hardly breathe, this is so hard. "They know it too."

"You couldn't do what President Snow wanted you to do Johanna. It's not your fault. I think your family would have understood that. They wouldn't want to see their daughter, their sister die a little more each day. They would have understood."

I have no answer to this. How can he think they would have understood?

I say no more after that and just cry myself out. By the time we leave the graveyard I am emotionally drained, and the sun is nearly setting. We have spent far more time than I thought. We didn't even eat lunch.

As we walk back down the dirt road lined with the engraved trees Gale pauses.

"What?" I ask, my voice still husky from crying.

"Close your eyes"

I close them without question. My brain can't function right now, let alone come up with a valid reason to challenge his request.

I feel his hands wrap around my arms as he steers me forward a few feet and them pivots me to the left.

"Okay, open" He says.

I do and freshly engraved in the tree truck is mine, Gale, and Evander's names surrounded by a heart.

"Now, it's like we'll always be here with them," He says.

This set me off crying again.

I didn't think I could produce another tear to save my life but here is the salty evidence to prove me wrong.

I hug him so hard it hurts my ribs. I don't know what I would do without him.

We stop on the way back to the B&B and get dinner. I keep my red-rimmed eyes averted to the floor as we eat our meal.

Gale tries asking me more questions about District 7 in general which lightens the mood a bit but I just don't feel like talking anymore.

I barely even have an appetite, and considering I've only had a small breakfast to eat all day, I should be starved.

I pick at my food and sip my ice water.

We finish our trek back to the B&B just as night is taking over fully.

We unlock our room and Gale goes to shower while I change into pajamas and lay in our bed.

This was quite a day. I don't know how, to quote Miss Ari "purifying", it was, but it was definitely draining.

My eye lids fall heavy before I even hear the water in the shower turn off.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Hey guys! Here's chapter 16! It took a little longer than expected. I was having a post Hunger Games shock. The movie was sooooo good! I'm sure we can all agree on that. I hate to have Johanna turn into a bit of a cry baby the last couple of chapters, but I think it's best for her to get it all out. I hope you guy's like this one :-) As always thank you so so so so much for the reviews and adding my story/and adding me to your subscriptions! Means the world to me.**

The next morning I am still in a mood. Not necessarily a bad mood, just….blah. I feel like I am simply existing. I'm struggling with the knowledge of my imminent departure. I don't want to leave, but at the same time I want to run from this place and never come back.

I miss it, and I want to stay, but I miss Evander more, and I want to go home.

I get dressed, brush my hair and teeth and pack my bag on auto pilot. I'm just a robot. Just a robot going through the motions. I struggle with my conflicting feelings in silence. Gale insists I need to eat something before we get on the train but I still don't have an appetite.

He makes me toast anyway and I nibble on it so I don't hurt his feelings.

Before I know it we are checked out and boarding the train home. I don't even remember the walk.

I stare out the window, knowing this will be the last I see of this place for a very long time.

Before I can come to terms with that fact the train is speeding away and the tree's blur into a sea of green.

The warm salty air assaults me as soon as the train doors open in District 4. It's already after dinner time and I am starved. And I can't wait to see Evander. Or my bed. I just want to go home. My real home. My District 4 home.

I am dying to see Evander, and by the quick strides Gale is taking, I'm thinking he can't wait to see him either.

The walk home is fast.

"Ah! There they are!" Hazelle exclaims when we walk in and put our bags down. "I just put dinner away, I can re-heat it though"

"Thanks, Ma. Sounds good. Where's Evan?" Gale says.

"POSY!" Hazelle shouts. "Come bring Evander out here, his mom and dad are home!"

"Coooommminggg" I hear her little voice call back.

In a flash of ginger Posy comes out of Evander's room with him dressed in blue footie pajamas with little yellow ducks on them.

He sees me, or maybe Gale, but he smiles that toothless grin of his and my heart clenches in my chest. I've missed him so much.

Posy hands him to me and I just hug him to me while Gale strokes his palm over Evan's black hair.

All too soon Evander is passed out, Hazelle and Posy say their goodbyes and Gale and I thank her for everything she has done. I forget it's still a week day and I still have my head shrink appointment to go to tomorrow.

After Gale and I eat the dinner Hazelle made we drag our bags in the room and start unpacking everything and getting ready for bed.

I feel much better now that I am home, and have eaten.

"I'm staying home tomorrow" Gale says once we are in bed. "No point in going to work for one day. We'll just have a long weekend, and I'll go back Monday."

"Makes sense to me. Maybe we can go see Annie and Finney or something?" I try to stifle a yawn, unsuccessfully. "But I do have my appointment with Miss Ari tomorrow."

"Well, than me and Evan can have a boys day while you're at your appointment."

"Yeah. You do that."

"Night, Jo"

"Night, Gale."

When I get to my head shrink appointment the next day, I am actually half excited, half nervous to tell Miss Ari about the trip to 7. I know it will come up. It's unavoidable.

She starts off easy. Asking her normal questions, which I still can't figure out why she keeps asking the same things over and over again. Maybe to test my honesty, see if my answers differ or some kind of jedi mind trick like that.

As I figured she finally asks about my trip to 7 and I tell her.

Once I tell her everything she furrows her brow in concentration and doesn't say anything.

She presses her index finger to her lips and I can practically see the wheels turning.

"Johanna," Miss Ari starts. "I want to give you a little homework assignment, an exercise if you will"

"Okay, what is it?" I'm a little worried; she's never looked at me with her forehead wrinkled in thought.

"I want you to think of all the people that have came into your life, whether they still are in it, are gone from it, or those who have entered for a short time, anyone you can think of that has changed your life in some way, anyone at all you can think of that made some kind of impact on your life and I want you to write them a letter."

"But" I start to interrupt, but she continues as if I haven't uttered a word.

"If the person you are writing the letter to is still with us, you can choose whether or not you want to give them the letter. No one has to see them. Not even me. You can write them and then burn them if you choose to. I just want you to write everything out. Whatever you feel. It doesn't matter if the letter is hateful and resentful, or loving and heartfelt. Just get it all out on paper. I think it will be more therapeutic than you think it will be."

"I don't see what good it will do writing letters to the dead." I cut in.

"Just try it for me Johanna. I promise you, no matter what, no judgment will be passed. I truly think it will help you. The trip to District 7 has obviously taken a toll on you. This isn't about being weak or strong, or about pride. This is about healing, and I really feel this little assignment will do wonders on you."

"Okay, Miss Ari, you're the boss"

I can't get what Miss Ari said off my mind the rest of the evening. I'm semi distracted at dinner, but not enough for Gale to notice. I don't even know what to write, or who to write to, or what to say, but I promised and it's worth a shot.

I go about my usual night routine, even pretend to go to sleep. Gale crawls into bed next to me and is out like a light.

I give it another 5 minutes just to be on the safe side.

After I feel certain Gale is asleep I roll out of bed as silently as I can.

I tip toe out the door and to Gale's desk that is still in the living room corner. I pull the cord on the desk lamp and allow my eyes to adjust to the soft yellow-white glow before pulling out 2 pens and a thick pad of lined paper.

I flip a couple of pages that has Gale's notes written on them until I reach a blank page.

I click the pen into position and stare at the blank sheet.

No inspiration hits me, so I try to start small.

"Father,

You may not have been the best a girl could ask for; when you weren't working you were drinking, but you supported our family and I must say thank you for that. I'm sorry I got you killed, you didn't deserve it.

-Johanna"

That wasn't very therapeutic. I feel no better. I feel no different.

I try again.

"Mother,

You were truly an inspiration to me, Not only did you work nearly 10 hours a day at the paper mill, you still were able to cook a meal, or at least the best we could constitute as a meal, for our family. You took care of us, and you worked very hard. It was traumatic watching you die. To have your blood splatter at my feet, knowing it was my fault. I'm sorry.

-Johanna"

I feel a small stur of emotions, but nothing to constitute therapy. I already know all of this is my fault, nothing new.

"Summit,

We never really got too close since you were so much older than me. By the time I can remember anything about you, you were already working in the forest with father 12 hours a day and trying to spend time with your girlfriend in your limited spare time. I never really got to know you, but I still got you killed regardless. I know you were a great brother to Aspen, and I'm sure you were to me as well, I just can't remember.

-Johanna"

"Olive,

I don't even know where to begin. You were like a mother to me. In fact I'm sure you felt the same way. You practically raised me. Got me dressed and walked me to school every morning, picked me up in the afternoons, helped brush my hair and teeth. Helped me with my homework. Tucked me into bed every night. You were more than a sister. You had too much responsibility on your shoulders, and that is my fault too. You don't know how many times I desperately wished I could help our family in some way. How often I felt like a waste of space."

It's not until I write it that I feel the truth of the statement hit me. I do remember that. I remember feeling like a burden on the whole family. Just another mouth to feed. I decide to add that to the letter as well.

"I was just another mouth to feed, and I couldn't do anything to help. You tended to the house for mother, and treated me as a daughter, even though you were only 15. You, like the rest of our family, was a very hard worker, yet you were still kind and patient. I looked up to you. I'm sorry you never had a chance to live. I should have made the ultimate sacrifice for you, just as you have sacrificed for me. Maybe Gale's right though, maybe you would have understood.

Love,

Josey"

I pause and take a breath. Reading the old nickname my sister used to call me. The memory of seeing her grave hits me and it makes my chest tighten as my heart clenches. Why would Miss Ari want me to do this to myself?

I decide it's time to move away from the sympathy crap and let my anger surge.

I almost rip through the paper when I write in sharp ink:

"President Snow,

I cannot even begin to tell you how happy I am that you are dead. I have never hated anyone so much, never wanted to rip someone apart, cell by cell, until they were nothing, as bad as I have wanted to do to you. You were the worst kind of evil. You were the kind of evil that took joy in others pain. You are a sadistic fuck and I hope there is a special place in hell reserved just for you.

-Jo "fuck you, I have a son you'll never reap" anna"

That actually felt good.

I move along to my first and only boyfriend.

"Leaph,

I'm sorry I didn't visit your grave. I couldn't handle seeing one more name of someone I got assassinated. I know we were young and dumb, but we were in love. Or at least the closest I could have imagine love could be at the time. You were the first person I let in and you were good to me. As good as two dumb teenagers could be. Money can't buy happiness and you made me happy without it. The games changed me. You could tell that though, couldn't you? You knew things would never be the same, but you still tried. Your efforts got you killed. All you did was try to love me and I got you killed for it. I can't begin to explain how sorry I am.

-Johanna"

I'm saying sorry a lot. It's almost pathetic.

I move on to another easy one.

"Annie,

I can't begin to tell you how much our friendship means to me. You were there for me when no one else was. You took me into your home and into your life and together we survived. It wasn't easy, but we did it. We got Finney here and we tackled motherhood together. You are so amazingly strong, stronger than even probably the great Johanna Mason.

-Johanna"

I realize how much Annie really does mean to me. She has been my rock, and hopefully I have been hers as well. We held on to each other when we had no one.

I move on and write short letters to Finney, Hazelle, Posy, Rory and Vick. Rory and Vick's were really short, but it felt wrong leaving them out. I even write a very short letter to Peeta and Katniss.

I do start feeling better and better as each letter is written.

I'm about to start on my next letter when I hear Evan start wailing for his feeding.

I hide all my letters and take a break to feed Evander. It feels good having him in my arms again. I close my eyes and allow the thoughts from my letters swirl in my head. When Evander finishes I lay him back in his crib and a smirk crosses my face.

I go back to Gale's desk and get my pad of paper back out.

I take a deep breath and start on a letter I have been trying to avoid all night, knowing it will evoke strong emotions.

I press the pen to the paper as the words start to flow.

"Finnick,

I miss you so much. You cross my mind every day. You're in everything; from the sunrise, to the green of the sea. Most of all I see you in Finney. You would love him Finn, and you would be so proud of Annie. She is an amazing mother. I know she misses you too. I don't know how she does it but she is so strong. You were my best friend, Finn. You saved me in more ways than I can even fathom. I've never told anyone this, Finn, not even Gale, but I tried to kill myself once. It was the year after my whole family was slaughtered, after my first time as mentor and of course I failed miserably. I have cost so many people their lives. I only caused people harm. I had no reason to live. I went home to my big empty house and smashed everything in sight. It didn't help. I took my ax and disappeared into the woods in the dark of night. I smashed my ax into the trunks of trees, over and over and over again, I sat on the leafy floor bed for hours, I put the blade of my ax to my wrist and pressed until blood flowed freely, turning the brown leaves scarlet. I didn't want anything more than to die that night. And then Finn, I thought of you. I don't know why. I'm sure you don't even remember it, it was such an offhand comment, but when I seen you for the first time at the training center, during our time in the capitol as mentors, you said to me 'It really doesn't feel like winning, does it? I don't know about you but I would die to see an end to theses games'. You didn't even know me, and you whispered it so low I wasn't sure if you even meant for me to hear it, but the memory hit me and at that moment, sitting on the earth floor with my blood flowing out of me, something in me clicked. I could work the rest of my life to putting an end to everything. You gave me a reason to live. I lived for vengeance, but I lived. Over the years we grew so close. For some reason you became my friend, my best friend, you were the only person I had left in all the world. We have been through highs and lows. One of the worst experiences was trying to hold you together when Annie was reaped. It was torture to watch you fall apart, and being completely helpless to do anything. But she came home and I have never seen you so happy and relieved. Your death was so unfair Finnick, I wish I could have replaced you. I should have been there. It should have been me that night Finn, not you. You should be here with your wife and son, living your happily ever after instead of me. I was too weak Finn. I was too weak to protect you and I didn't even get to say goodbye, or tell you how important you were to me. I think that hurts the most, I hope you knew."

I didn't even realize I was crying until two tear drops splash down to the wet ink, smearing it. I try to suck back the sob and wipe the tears away but they continue to flow. I have to stop. I sign the letter with a "love, Jo" and sniffle loudly. I try taking deep breaths to get my tears under control.

I pace a bit, and get some water. My eyes hurt, but I slowly get myself under control.

Once I feel composed enough I take the pen to paper again.

I write one word "Gale", before I blank out again. I don't even know where to start with this letter.

I sit with a numb mind for what seems like hours.

"I don't know what to say to you, there are no words that can express how much you mean to me. You are my salvation in every sense of the word. You got me out of the capitol and risked your life when you didn't even know me. You pulled me into this life we have now. You stubbornly stood by my side no matter how hard I tried to push you away. You gave my life purpose, reason, other than vengeance. You were my friend when I had no one but an off the deep end, pregnant, Annie to take care of. You have shown me a part of myself that I didn't even know was there. When you left for those 2 months I was so very lost. I was back to having no one. Annie had Finney, you had your family, everyone had somebody to love, everyone except me. I didn't know what to do with myself. I even cried the night you left. Not that I would ever admit that to anyone. You made me feel so vulnerable at times, and so strong at others. You slowly peeled back the layers of my shell and pulled me out. We grew ever closer together until our friendship became something more. I still don't know what you were thinking falling for a pain in the ass like me. You had a hard enough life as it was, you didn't need my stubborn ass making it harder. You deserved so much more than I had to offer, you deserved someone nice, someone as selfless as you are, but for some unexplainable reason you chose me; the damaged girl, the not best looking girl, the hard as stone girl, the scarred and broken girl. I can never thank you enough for giving me a life. For loving me when no one else did. For being there for me. For accepting me for me. For everything. You remind me of my sister in a way, maybe that's what drew me to you in the first place? You have the same caring spirit as her. You are both beautiful, inside and out. You are hard working and strong and caring. You're patient and incredibly intelligent. Honest and kind. You're a lot like my sister, everything I'm not. I love you more than words can explain. I appreciate everything you do. All the sacrifices you have made. You are an excellent husband and father and I don't deserve you, but I appreciate you all the same.

Love always,

Jo"

That letter was harder to write than Finnick's. I ignore the tear stains that pepper the lined paper. I sniffle and wipe the tear stains from my cheeks.

My eyes burn from all the crying and the lack of sleep. I have one more letter to write but I can't handle writing any more tonight. I gather all the letters and click the desk lamp off. I tip toe back into the room and stuff all the letters under the mattress on my side of the bed.

I am asleep before my head hits the pillow.


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: Hey again everyone! Another week, another chapter :-) I hope you like it. Thank you so so much to my reviewers and to the people that have been adding my story! I really appreciate it! I think I may be wrapping this story up soon, I know i've said it before but I really think Johanna is making huge strides and her story here is coming to an end. As always PLEASE review! Thank you!**

The rest of the weekend goes by much smoother. Once I'm back in the routine of our daily lives it's much easier to forget all about District 7. My mood has lifted drastically.

I'm not sure if it's just from being home, or if writing those letters actually did do me some good after all.

Gale, Evander and I go visit Annie and Finney on Sunday. Later in the afternoon Gale takes the boys out to the shore to build sand castles while Annie and I sit on the back porch and catch up a bit. I tell her about our trip to a certain extent. I try to open up to her about how much she has meant to me over the years. My pride won't allow me to just come out and say it but I hope she understands, can read between the lines.

When Finney comes bounding up the back steps, his bronze curls bouncing with each step, I wrap him in a hug and tickle him before he can reach his mother.

He smells of salt but has a sweet tint as well.

Gale carries a sandy Evander up the steps shortly after Finney left him at the shore line.

We eat dinner together and leave before dusk.

When Gale finally returns to work on Monday morning I can finally get around to my last letter. I pack him his lunch and kiss him goodbye as I normally do.

I feed Evander and get him dressed for the day before starting on my day.

When Evander goes down for his nap I dig under the mattress for my letters and pull everything out.

I go to Gale's desk and fold each letter up and put the would-be recipients name on them. I finally pull out the pad of lined paper and rip a blank sheet out of it. I click the point of the pen into place and put the black ink to the paper.

"Evander,

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, in my whole life. You and your father mean more to me than anything. If it wasn't for your dad you probably wouldn't be here. See, I never wanted kids. I didn't have that motherly instinct or a sensitive and caring nature. In the world I grew up in, it was toughen up or die. I never thought I would be a mother. But, than I met your father, and he wanted kids so badly. I had you for him, I knew he wanted you before you were even thought of. Thanks to your Aunt Annie, she made me see what a gift this would be for him. Turns out you were a gift for both of us. The world even. It's a better place with you in it. You made me want to be a better person. You made me want to give you everything I never had. The second I seen your handsome little face I knew I could do this mothering thing. For you. Whenever I see you my heart seems like it wants to explode from my chest. I couldn't imagine loving anyone as much as I love you. You are not just my son, you are a part of my heart. A part of who I am now, and who I want to be. You bring so much joy into my life, and I think I can speak for your father when I say you bring joy to his world as well. Thank you for giving my life purpose. Thank you for loving me without question, just because I am your mother. Thank you for everything.

Love you more than anything,

Mommy"

That one did feel good to get out. I fold Evan's letter up and add it to my pile.

I put the pen and pad of paper away and stuff all my letters back under the mattress.

My Tuesday appointment arrives and I know Miss Ari is going to bring up my letters. I decide to bring them with me, even though I haven't decided if I'm going to let her read them or not yet.

She starts off with her usual questions, and we talk for a few minutes about nothing in particular.

She brings up my letters eventually like I knew she would.

I decide to let her read them and I sit silently waiting for her judgment.

She uses her shrink jargon on me with her terms of "Inadequacy issues", "False Guilt", "Displaced anger" and "History of clinical depression".

She sits pondering silently for a few minutes, just like before, with her index finger tapping her bottom lip and her brow furrowed. She comes to the conclusion that I need to show Gale the letters, or if not all of them at least his.

"What?" I raise my voice slightly. "You said no one had to see them, you said I can burn them. I don't want him to see them."

"Johanna, have you read your letter to Finnick? It clearly states your biggest regret is not telling him how important he was to you. Do you want that same feeling of regret with Gale as well? When's the last time you told him how much you appreciate him. Or how you feel about him?"

"Never! That just comes with the territory of marriage. He should just know."

"And do you 'just know' how much you mean to him? You have stated over and over again how you feel you are not good enough for him, how he deserves better than you, but have you ever asked him how he feels? Because I'm willing to bet he doesn't feel the way about you that you think he does, that you were his fall back choice."

"I never said that!" I shout at her.

"You don't have to Johanna. Believe it or not, I did go to school to do what I do, I know how to read between the lines. You say more than you think."

I'm getting upset. I am battling angry tears as Miss Ari goes on and on and on about the benefits of giving Gale his letter. I don't say a word; I won't cry or argue with her.

"We only have one life Johanna, and in this life few people come in and love us unconditionally. We need to make sure and tell these people how much they mean to us. They may be here today and gone tomorrow." She pauses before adding "I'm not going to force you into anything Johanna, but I really want you to think about it and consider it wholeheartedly."

I know what I think about this idea. It's stupid, and Miss Ari is crazier than I am. She's the one that needs a shrink if she thinks she is going to guilt trip me into letting Gale read these letters.

These are my inner most secrets! Admitting to a live person that I have tried to kill myself. Freely showing how guilty am I for everything that has happened to the one's I loved. Gale knows how much he means to me. Doesn't he?

I don't know how Miss Ari does it, week after week, but yet again I leave her office distracted. I pick up Evan, as usual, head home, as usual, Gale is there starting on dinner, as usual.

What would I be doing with myself right now if Gale had never shown up on Annie's door step? Would I have met someone else here in District 4? Would I be still be alone and living at Annie's? Would I even still be alive? With no one and no sense of purpose?

Suddenly our dull ole routine seems to be the most important thing in the world. I finish dinner and put a little more effort into it than usual. I kiss Gale a little more passionately. I hug Evander a little tighter to me before he goes to bed.

These two people are the most important in my life, I should cherish that.

Once Evander is down, Gale sits next to me on the couch and I lay my head against his chest.

"So are you going to tell me what's up? Or am I left to guess?" He asks.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you are acting different tonight. You have been so up and down lately, and then just all the sudden you're just….different."

I scowl into nothingness.

"Different good, or different bad?" I ask.

"Different good, definitely. I like to see you happy."

Miss Ari's words reflect in my mind _"We only have one life Johanna, and in this life few people come in and love us unconditionally. We need to make sure and tell these people how much they mean to us." _Doesn't Gale know how much he means to me though? He must.

"Johanna?" He says my name and my attention snaps back to the present.

"Sorry, I was just thinking about something Miss Ari said today."

"Would you like to share what that is?"

I hesitate and take a few breaths.

"Do you know how much you mean to me, Gale?"

"I think I do, but if you'd like to share….I wouldn't mind. It's nice to hear sometimes."

"Well, I think I can do you one better," I say as I remove myself from his body warmth. "Be right back."

It can't hurt to give Gale just his letter, can it? I will not let him read the others though. Those are way too much.

I dig under the mattress until I find his letter. My heart is pounding horribly in my chest. What will he think? What will he say?

I try taking a few more breaths to calm down.

I walk back out into the living room and hand him his letter.

"What's this?" He asks.

"Miss Ari wanted me to write letters to people that are important to me. You're one of them. Congratulations." I try to smile and laugh it off like it's no big deal.

"I'm going to go change, you can read it if you want." I say as I escape the room. I can't stay in the same room as him with his calculating mind and knowing stare. Maybe if I hurry I can even pretend to be sleeping before he finishes and we won't even have to talk about it.

I change quickly, brush my teeth and pull my hair into a pony tie. It's finally getting a little longer. Still a dull brown, but the sun has lightened it a bit.

I crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head.

Gale doesn't come.

I try falling asleep, but I start getting worried when he still doesn't show up. I mean, it's a letter I wrote. Not a book.

Ten minutes pass, fifteen. What is taking him so long?

I nearly hold my breath when I hear the door hinge creak open.

My heart slams wildly against my sternum and I try to breathe evenly so I can pull off this sleeping thing.

I feel his side of the mattress sink and the springs squeak under his weight.

When he says my name, it's so soft and hoarse I wonder if he's been crying?

I try to ignore him, but the thought of my letter upsetting him makes my heart sink to my stomach. What have I done? I knew I shouldn't have let him read any of these letters. I'll have Miss Ari's head for doing this.

I decide I can't stand the thought of ignoring him when he's so obviously upset.

Slowly I peek my head out from under the covers. I only remove the sheet until it reaches my nose.

Gale has definitely been crying. He obviously didn't want me to know, but it's written all over his face.

"Hey" He tries to give me a half hearted smile.

"Hey" I say back, it comes out a little muffled since my mouth is still beneath the covers.

Didn't think we would have awkward silences anymore, but this one is pretty awkward.

"So," I start, trying to lighten the mood. "Are you ready to run for the hills now?"

"What? No, of course not." He tries clearing his throat, but it still comes out a little froggy.

"Sorry, if I upset you. I didn't want you to even know a letter existed, but Miss Ari…Miss Ari said…."

"Don't be sorry. You already blame yourself for too much. I'm glad you gave it to me, thank you."

I just nod my head. I don't even know if he sees it.

He clears his throat again. "I had no idea that was how you felt, Johanna. You're insane if you think I chose you because I had no other options, wait, that didn't come out right. What I'm trying to say is, you weren't my fall back option, or my second choice, or whatever it is that you think happened. True when I first turned up in District 4, it was strictly because I was on orders to check on you and Annie. But that's not why I stayed. But you know that already." He sighs and runs his fingers through his ebony hair, this is obviously not coming out the way he intended.

"Jo, I stayed because over the few weeks I was there, I started to see you for who you truly are. Not Johanna Mason, the cold hearted murderer with a smart alec tongue and nothing to live for. I seen you for Johanna Mason, the girl that has experienced far too much cruelty and yet here she was still taking care of other people. And then when Finney was born and I had to leave you both there alone with a new baby….I didn't want to go either. And every day that I was away from here, it felt….wrong. Like I wasn't home anymore. I just wanted to go home. I finally made it back to 4 and you had practically transformed. You were cooking and tending to a baby and you just grew so much, I started to fall in love with you. I couldn't help it even if I tried. You're beautiful and strong and smart and for some reason you don't see any of that. You only see me as some savior for you, but maybe, you were actually a savior for me. Have you ever considered that?"

I shake my head no, feeling very small curled under the sheet.

"Well you were. Before I came here, when I was in District 2 for all those months…..everyone assumed I was happy with my all too important job, my name being something to look up to. But I wasn't happy. I've lost my best friend, I was a soldier in a war and seen far too much death and destruction, caused far too much death and destruction. I worked near non-stop just to keep myself busy; hours and hours and days and days in that dark mountain. I would work myself so hard because I didn't know what else to do, who I was. I moved my family there, sure. I had them, but I hardly seen them working so much. I no longer had something to work towards, I was lost. There was no rebellion anymore. I have served my purpose. Then they go and stick me in that nut with Beetee and tell us to rebuild a civilization. But, what about us? What about me? I had a life to rebuild too. I was nearly 20 years old and never even had a girlfriend for god's sake. Getting orders to come here turned out to be the best thing that has happened to me."

He takes a deep breath and looks like he's struggling to keep his composure. I am too, to be honest. Who knew I was that important to him too.

"Maybe I shouldn't have waited all these years to tell you. I'm sorry for that. Maybe if I had told you, you wouldn't be so down on yourself; thinking that I'm the only one that has made sacrifices, or appreciates the other or is undeserving." He locks his stormy gray eyes on me and I feel paralyzed under his intense gaze.

I pull the sheet all the way down from my face and smile up at him. "It's okay Gale. You really didn't need to…."

"Yes." He interrupts. "Yes, I did. And I should have said it years ago."

There's really nothing left to say than, is there? My heart starts beating back in rhythm and I put my palm to Gale's cheek."I love you" I tell him.

He turns his head and presses his lips to the palm of my hand. "I know, I love you too."

He scoots under the covers with me and wraps his arms around me like he has done time and time again.

It feels different this time for some reason. It feels like a piece of me that has been united once again.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: Well ladies and gents...this is it. Last chapter. I hope that it is ended the way you wanted it. I really really really hated giving Gale such a hard time with Jo, I love him so much and I know he needs to do his own healing, unfortunately this isn't his story however. And I think for him to be happy, we needed Jo happy, and in order for her to be truly happy, I think she needed to really heal. Otherwise it would be fake happiness and that is something that can't last. Hopefully the ending does them some justice and they get their happily ever after. From here on out they are so sickingly happy I can't even write about it. LOL!**

**As always thank you, thank you, thank you to all of those that has added my story and subscribed to me! I love you all! Thanks to theweekendsinner for a detailed review on my last chapter and to narwhayley and my other reviewers for reviewing as well. And a special THANK YOU to Ellenka for everything! She has kept me motivated to kept going and to finish and she is a consistent reviewer, which really means the world to me. She has helped me get through this story from the beginning and I really appreciate it. **

**Hope you enjoyed the story!**

Things started getting better from there. Miss Ari even dropped one of my days, so now I only have to see her once a week.

I feel like a bird that has been set free from her cage. A cage I didn't even know I locked myself in.

I'm much happier now that I'm free. And a happy wife and a happy mommy makes for a happy husband and a happy baby.

I'm even drawing again.

Mostly sketches of Evander sleeping, since I can't get him to stay still long enough to attempt to draw him when he's awake. Sometimes I draw things like Gale's hands, or Finney's sea green eyes, sometimes random things like shells, or trees. It's nice to feel like a sane normal human being again. I haven't felt like this in….well….since my sister was alive.

I'm finally able to let go of my anger and hostility.

Gale seems much happier with the new and improved Johanna Hawthorne too. Or maybe I was just able to convince him that he didn't marry a lunatic.

I'm finding now that Evander is a little older and able to entertain himself more, I can experiment more in the kitchen as well.

I love cooking all sorts of things, especially desserts. Poor Gale is my guinea pig. I cook up whatever my little mind thinks would be a good concoction, and he tries it almost every time.

Some of the stuff is delicious…others…..not so much. He flat out refused to try my seaweed and lobster cakes. Guess I don't blame him. It really didn't look that good. Lobster meat mixed in with cake batter? The thought now makes me chuckle, but it sounded like a good idea at the time.

He really loves my mini pastries, I wrap warm apple chunks smothered in cinnamon in these shells….they're kind of like dough….but kind of like cake too. Annie says, Peeta told her it's called pie crust once. Once I bake them, I brush them while they're hot out of the oven with butter and then sprinkle them in cinnamon sugar.

Gale loves them, if it was anyone else, they would have gained 20 pounds by now. Not Gale of course. I don't know what he does to maintain his godforsaken perfectly sculpted body, but I'm sure not complaining.

And I can't believe how mobile Evan is getting lately. He rolls all over the place and I swear he's trying to crawl already. He gets on his hands and knees and rocks back and forth with the most focused look on his face. He is his father's son after all. I'm certain he's trying to figure out how to get his arms and legs to work properly. I just really want to draw the look that crosses his face, so serious, but it only lasts a moment and then his face splits into a toothless grin and he starts rolling around again.

I really can't imagine life without him in it. Did I even have a life before him? I love him more than the breath in my lungs, more than the beating of my heart.

I guess it's true what they say; time heals all wounds.

Gale barged his way into my heart and helped me stitch it back together. We meshed all the jagged pieces of ourselves together, and maybe it wasn't meshed perfectly, or seamlessly, but we were no longer broken.

Until Evander came along; he filled a place in my heart I didn't even know I was missing.

He is the glue that fills all the cracks of our battered souls. He makes us seamless, and flawlessly smooth…..and…perfect. They have both healed the wounds I have carried on my heart, and I can never repay them for making me whole again.

But I can try.


End file.
